Cake, fruit and flu: Six bits of office etiquette we all need to know

It's not just KPIs, EODs and NAVs that can leave you in a mind-twisting muddle at work. The unwritten social rules of the desk jungle require some untangling if you want to be a hit and not, well, Jerry. Here are six suggestions to stay in everyone's good books. 

1. Don’t come in when you’re sick

You might think you’re impressing your colleagues by dragging yourself to your desk when every microbe in your being is telling you to stay in bed with a box of tissues and a meth lab’s worth of Sudafed. In reality, not only are you are grossing everyone out, but your unnecessary efforts put pressure on us to do the same when we inevitably catch your germs and succumb to the same grizzly illness. Stay in bed, eat chicken soup, and watch Game of Thrones. Your body and everyone in your immediate vicinity will thank you in the long run.

2. Do make/buy cake…

Forget taking on extra projects and doing the tea run: the best way to ingratiate yourself with everyone at work is by casually rocking up with a chocolate covered something to fill that 3pm (or 9am) craving. It’s not just the sugar rush that people appreciate – bringing in a treat shows you’re a sympathetic human being who’s spotted the need for a morale boost. You’re basically a superhero with an apron instead of a cape.

3. … but don’t be offended if people don’t want any

Most of your colleagues will likely be more than happy to dig in the moment the clock strikes 12, but don’t be offended if someone politely declines. As long as they aren’t tutting and moaning loudly about the disgusting calorie content of Krispy Kremes, or muttering darkly about the gluten in that apple pie, they’re perfectly within their rights to pass on the pudding. Understand that they’re probably still grateful and give them the BOTD: they might have a special dinner planned, be desperately trying to follow a diet, or just not have the taste buds required to appreciate courgette cake.  

4. Don't steal pens

It's just another rainy Tuesday morning at the office, when a solid gold, change-the-world, million-making idea bursts into your head like a floodlight on a stage, just waiting to be captured. You grab your notebook and reach for your trusty biro - only to find that some unscrupulous colleague has nicked it to write their shopping list. Pens are second only to hair clips and odd socks in their ability to disappear at will. Hide your stack somewhere discrete, and resist the temptation to grab someone else's when inspiration strikes again. If you're not part of the solution, you're just another pen thief.

5. Know your fruit allowance

Since you’re working in an office, you’ve probably got at least 16 years of life behind you, during which time you’ve hopefully encountered fruit in some form. If your workplace is one of those caring kinds that get in a regular order of fruit, avoid annoying everyone by indulging in your share and no more. Use some common sense: no one is going to expect you to split a banana with them or go halfsies on an apple, but that whole bunch of grapes or the entire pot of dried dates is not a serving for one person. Don’t be a fruit hog - let everyone get their vitamin C. No one will feel like they've been conned, and you'll all be much better protected from the evil person bringing their lurgies to the weekly meeting.

6. Don’t contact people on their day off

Is the business about to go under without that phone call? Is it a question only they know the answer to? Does it need answering right this moment to avoid a nuclear war? No? Put the phone down and delete that email draft. Even if the news you're dying to share is not strictly business, and more along the lines of ‘I never even knew photocopiers could take the weight of two adults like that', they probably don’t want to hear it while they’re soaking up the sun and a few margaritas on a Spanish beach. Save it until the ‘Out of Office’ is off and they're back in work mode.

Mother knows best - the top mums in fiction (and one of the worst)

Today is a very special day, and not just because the clocks went forward and stole an hour of your life. No, today is the day when mothers around the world are rewarded for their hard work - there are no holidays, sick leave or free coffee in this job. To celebrate, here are four favourite fictional mums, and one marvellous maternal mess.

Lorelai Gilmore

Gilmore Girls

Just sixteen when she gave birth to Rory and ran away from home, Lorelai might be a bit of a hot mess when it comes to basic life skills like chores, nutrition and not sleeping with other people’s spouses, but she gets an A star for effort. Not only does she nail Rory’s pop culture education, but she passes her caffeine-fuelled work ethic, spirited wit and slightly weird name on to her insufferably perfect offspring. Whether it’s a work, wardrobe or romantic crisis, Lore is just a phone call (or, quaintly, a page) away, ready to jump in her jeep at a moment’s notice and deliver wicked and worldly advice at 300 wpm.

Skyler White

Breaking Bad

She might start out as the nagging stereotype stamping all over Walt’s dreams of wealth, power and infamy, but by the end we’re all rather in awe of Skyler. This straight-talking, quick-thinking car wash queen manages to bring up a baby and an increasingly moody teen more or less alone while their wayward father becomes a meth kingpin, dealing with door-slammings and sulking levelled at her by said 17-year-old with resigned dignity. Sure, she smokes more than a Victorian factory and takes her cereal with gin and resentment, but who can blame her? She’s also got some seriously shrewd business skills going on: laser tag Saul? Really? Better call Skyler.

Vianne

Chocolat

Colourful, cool and aloof, Vianne stands out from all the other sensible-shoe wearing mothers in the sleepy French village that she whisks daughter Anouk to (because you can always judge a woman’s sense of adventure by her footwear.) It’s not just her feisty personality and sense of whimsy that make her a fun mum: she can be a bit flaky and has terrible taste in men - but who wouldn’t want a chocolate-making genius for a mother? While all those other poor kids are chewing disdainfully on their rice cakes and cornflakes, Anouk is merrily gorging on cream-laden hot chocolate, chocolate croissants, gateux and other goodies. As if this weren’t enough, Vianne also has mysterious magical powers, which she’s kindly passed on to her daughter: much more valuable than a stable childhood and a bike.

Lily Potter

Harry Potter

More than just a pair of green eyes (seriously JK, how often do we have to hear about those?) Lily is always willing to stick up for the little, hook nosed, greasy-haired guy. (Sure, she ditches him for the handsome, arrogant troublemaker in the end, but the heart wants what the heart wants.) It’s Lily’s love for Harry that saves him from Voldemort’s curse, earning him a pretty awesome scar and lots of psychological trauma in the process.

Not all fictional mums are about chocolate shops, unconditional love and swapping fashion tips. One of the most malevolent mothers in the movies has to be...

Mother Gothel

Tangled

Not all witches are so good at this motherhood thing. With her flowing red robes, flair for the dramatic and amazing head of curls (a sure sign of evil, apparently) Tangled’s scheming Mother Gothel is fabulously foul. There’s no retinol or Botox in Disney, so our villain has to resort to kidnapping to maintain her glamorous and youthful looks. She’s willing to bully, trick and trap her ‘daughter’ into staying in her tower, delivering eternal youth through the magic of hair care. If you think your mum is hostile to your love interest, wait until you see what Gothel has in store for Rapunzel’s new fella… Sassy, sexy and wonderfully wicked, you don’t want to mess with this mother.

Do you agree? Which other mothers should have made the cut? Don't be stingy - post your views in the comments.

Happy Mother's Day!

Running with it: a novice runner's revelation

'Attention please, this is a platform alteration...'

It’s 6:15am, and the only people around town are either being paid to be there, or are on their way to be paid to be somewhere else. Most other people of sound mind are either sleeping or hunched zombie-like over breakfast, attempting to conjure up semblance of consciousness from their cornflakes. This just leaves the runners, bootcampers and cyclists who have dragged themselves out of bed, shoved their sleep-deprived bodies into Lycra and pushed them out the door for a dose of early morning exercise. To my shock and occasional horror, I am now one of this mad part of the population.

I’ve had an on-off relationship with running, mostly off. There were the PE lessons when we were sent to shiver or sweat a few laps around the track in the name of the curriculum and my school’s ‘Sports Mark Gold’ status. Then there was a fairly steady period in the Easter term of my first year at uni, which saw me doggedly running round the lake, being casually overtaken by lean and limber athletes while I tried to make it through one Killers track without having a heart attack. Sadly, a summer job as a chambermaid put paid to any serious fitness ambitions, since after a day of making beds, cleanings rooms and pushing a trolley the weight of a baby elephant around, I could barely drag my body to the fridge let alone put in a couple of miles of running. Seriously, chambermaids are the secret superheroes of the service industry. But that’s a post for another time.

Then, finally, there was a ‘Stress Run’ in January. Facing the potent combination of a 12,000 word dissertation and a recent break-up, all set in the arctic conditions of a student house, I snapped, dug out some antique trainers, a hoody and woolly hat, and threw myself down the street with a playlist of angsty lovelorn songs for company. I charged along for about three and a half minutes before heartburn set in. Love hurts.

Interestingly, it was stress that sent me running this time, too. My dad had just brought me back from university for the last time, leaving behind my friends, my independence, and the life I had spent three years building. I stood in my room, staring at the blank walls and piles of boxes, grabbed the same old antique trainers and decided to run it out. So off I went, down the roads I’d run during the aforementioned Easter sessions. Except that instead of getting round the route once and collapsing, as anticipated, I kept going. And going. And going. And then I ran home and collapsed. Looking back now, I only ran about two miles, but for someone who had taken weeks to get past five minutes several years before, this newfound fitness was enough to make me go out again. The challenge of improving gave me something to focus on, when everything else seemed to be covered in a fog.

Although I’ve only been going for a few weeks, I have learned a lot from running. Some of it is practical, and some of it is personal. For example, I still believe that Lycra was invented for currently fit people to show off their current fitness, and that joggers are just as good, but I have discarded my antique trainers for a pair of shiny pink running shoes. The noticeable difference led my poor feet to break into a totally involuntary jig. While we’re talking about feet, I now also understand terms like over-pronation (when the arch of your foot rolls inwards as you walk) and, unfortunately, plantar fasciitis (inflammation of the tissue or ligaments in the bottom of your foot. It really sucks, but more on that later.)

However, at the risk of sounding like a coach addressing his underdog team in a sports films, the most important lessons I have learned from running have been the ones that taught me something about myself. To get out of bed, throw on your shiny pink running shoes and boldly declare your intention to run or keel over trying is to take charge of your own body and your own goals. No matter what else is going on in your life, you have the opportunity to challenge yourself to improve at something. When I’m running, I am the one who has to push myself up that hill, to the next tree, all the way home, in thirty degrees or pouring rain. Thus, when it goes right, I can look back and see that yes, that bit where the guy with the zimmerframe overtook me was hard going, but I got through it, and I did it on my own. Of course, when it goes wrong, I’m also the one who has to pick myself up (sometimes literally) and agree that it will go better next time, but that’s part of taking responsibility for achieving my own aims.

Having decided to challenge yourself, you can always go further than you think. There’s a particular road on my regular route that I dread because it’s the point where images of myself walking home in the rain, with aching legs and the embarrassment of failure start floating before my eyes. But even as I picture this, my legs are still going (even if it’s at a speed that means snails are getting impatient with me) and eventually I catch a second wind (though it’s more likely endorphins). Not only will I get to where I planned, but the sense that I’ve triumphed over adversity means that my slightly disbelieving self, marvelling that my legs are, in fact, still moving beneath me, will possibly continue to run further than I planned.

While it’s important to push yourself, you also need to listen to your body. I don’t mean stop running the moment something starts complaining that this is all too much, and it would really rather go back to bed with a giant plate of eggs on toast and a bucket of tea, thanks. There are times when your brain needs to tell your body to stop whining and keep moving. Or to get up off the pavement or road and get running again. There are other times, however, when you need to allow it to have a rest. I learnt this the hard way, when my sudden surge in activity and some poorly chosen footwear landed me with the aforementioned plantar fasciitis.

It may sound like a plant species bred by Nazis, or maybe a planet from a sci-fi film, but it’s actually a painful condition in your foot. To get some idea, imagine there’s a piece of very tight elastic starting in your heel and running the length of your sole. Every time this elastic is forced to stretch (so when you walk or dare to move your foot too fast), it feels like someone is stabbing all along your sole with something pointy. At this point, you have to accept that no matter how much you might like to be out there, sweating and aching and red-faced,  you need to take care of this first. Running has taught me to appreciate my body as a pretty awesome machine, capable of more than it’s been given credit for, but also that in order to keep it, er, running well, I also need to give it attention, rest and scrambled eggs on toast.

In the last few weeks, I’ve transformed from a running novice with antique trainers and no clue to a running novice with shiny pink running trainers and a new perspective on what I can achieve. It’s hard, and there are times in every run where I want to stop, but the sense of control and achievement that comes when I don’t makes it worthwhile. If I, who couldn’t run through ‘Human’, can learn to run solidly for fifty minutes, there’s a good chance that anyone else with two working legs and reasonable health (and many without these) can too. There is a method to the 6am madness, so postpone the cornflakes, dig out some shoes, and run with it.

If this post got your mind racing (or just thinking it was fairly good) and you think your friends would enjoy it too, don't forget to hit the Google plus button below, and to share on Twitter and Facebook. Think of it as passing on the baton in a relay, except you can do it from the sofa. Don't drop the baton, guys.

Five must-see films of summer 2013

The weather may be predictably unpredictable, but British summer can always be relied upon to bring us a host of decent films. Here are five to catch for when the rain is pouring and you've tired of tennis.

Monsters University

Friday 12^th July

Director: Dan Scanlon

Starring: Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi

It’s been twelve years since Sulley and Mike first appeared on our screens in Monsters, Inc., allowing young fans of that film to grow up and reach a new life stage scarier than any monster: university. In Toy Story 3, Andy’s departure for university was timed just as those of us who grew up with the series were packing our bags, books and saucepans and leaving home ourselves. The result was cinemas full of weeping eighteen year-olds, nostalgic adults, and young children still laughing at Mr Potato Head wobbling about as a tortilla wrap. Hoping to draw a similarly diverse audience, the new prequel goes back to Sulley and Mike’s university days, where their initial impressions of each other are anything but favourable as they learns the tricks of the scare trade. By resorting to familiar characters in a situation now relevant to their old audience, Pixar are playing it safe in a bid to move on from the relative failure of Cars 2 and Brave. Will it be a roaring success or just scarily bad? With Finding Dory in the pipeline, let's hope this new run of sequels live up to expectations.

Despicable Me 2

Friday 28^th June

Director: Chris Renaud and Pierre Coffin

Starring: Steve Carrell, Ken Jeong, Kristen Wiig

Unlike Pixar, Universal waited only three years to release a sequel to their surprise hit Despicable Me, in which super villain Gru (voiced by Steve Carrell) found himself adopting three orphans in a bid to outdo his arch nemesis Vector (Jason Segel) by becoming the most notorious force of evil in the world. The whacky plot, witty script and fabulously memorable characters produced one of those rare films that makes you laugh more than is strictly appropriate in a public setting, and leaves you wondering what happens next. Now Gru and his dysfunctional crew are back, including the scene-stealing, dungaree-clad minions, but this time he’s using his evil skills for good, working with the Anti-Villain League to save the world. It’s a tall order, but if the sequel can produce the same high quality, quirky humour, we’re in for a treat.

Man of Steel

Friday 14^th June

Director: Zack Snyder

Starring: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Russell Crowe, Michael Shannon

Following Chris Nolan’s moody Batman reboot, superhero films are no longer just fast, fun, quip-filled epics. Now, it’s all about the angst and burden that comes with having awesome powers. Traditionally, Superman has always been the ultimate good guy, unfailingly moral and bordering on indestructible, so naturally everyone scoffed at the thought of this primary-colour-clad icon as a troubled, isolated figure. And then the trailers came out, and we all stopped laughing and stared open-mouthed at a stubble-bedecked Superman apparently working on an oilrig. We may even have drooled a little. But we certainly put aside our doubts and got on board. Let’s hope it’s as tough as the name suggests.

The Bling Ring

Friday 5^th July

Director: Sophia Coppola

Starring: Emma Watson, Katie Chang, Israel Broussard

If the plot wasn’t based on real events, it would sound too ridiculous for a film. Fascinated with the hedonistic celebrity lifestyle that surrounds them, a group of wealthy LA teens decide to literally bag themselves a piece of it, by burgling the homes of the rich and famous. Having proved she can actually act in last year’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Emma Watson continues in her mission to shed her Harry Potter image as one of the bad girl burglars. However, early reviews are commending the performances of the relative unknowns who make up the gang, particularly Katie Chang and Israel Broussard. The gang’s obsession with fame, and their use of social media and the internet to target their victims makes for a pertinent look at the attractions and issues of modern celebrity culture.  

Now You See Me

Wednesday 3^rd July

Director: Louis Leterrier

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Morgan Freeman, Woody Harrelson

Let’s forget that Movie 43 has conclusively proved that a talented cast does not guarantee a great film, and ogle what has got to be one of the best line ups this year. The dream team includes rising stars Isla Fisher, Dave Franco (James’ younger brother), and Jesse Eisenberg (yes, he’s definitely there somewhere behind the beard), alongside reliable regulars Woody Harrelson and Mark Ruffalo, and acting heavyweights Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine. Apparently burglars are the fashionable profession this summer: this gang relies not on the magic of the internet, but of, er, magic, to rob banks, giving their ill-gotten gains to their audiences in a charming Robin Hood-esque gesture. A weird meeting of The Prestige and Hustle, don’t expect subtlety, but marvel instead at the sorcery on offer in this summer blockbuster.

The World’s End

Friday 19^th July

Director: Edgar Wright

Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Rosamund Pike

The third and possibly final collaboration between Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz writers Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright sees a group of old friends reunite in their home town to finish off a bar crawl started years before. However, judging by the huge explosions and glowing blue eyes observable in the trailer, all is not what it seems. Former collaborator Nick Frost is back, along with Martin Freeman, Paddy Considine and Eddie Marson, who head a stellar British cast. Judging by previous offerings, we can look forward to loopy characters, brilliant humour, true bromance and plenty of melodramatic action sequences.

Does Gru make you grin, or do you like Mike? Magic fan or man of steel? Share your thoughts and the films you're looking forward to in the comments below. Make sure that cinema trip happens, and send a subtle hint to your friends by sharing this post on Twitter or Facebook, and follow the blog for more film articles, summer posts and general snippets of joy.

Banana and Chocolate Muffins

You'd be bananas not to try one.

Finishing your degree can be kind of bleak. After months of living, breathing and occasionally fighting the urge to shred your dissertation, you are left with nothing, kicked out from the comfort of the education system and marooned on an island with only a bit of paper and better-than-average knowledge of American literature for company. There’s a whole wide world out there, but you can’t reach it, and no one seems to care that you’re jumping up and down in the sand, waving your paper and shouting insightful facts about Hawthorne, Twain and Franklin.

And then there’s cake. You gather the ingredients, you mix them and mash them and bake them, and then, when the timer bleeps, you are left with a tangible, edible product of your labours. Cake is calming. Cake is reliable. Cake won’t desert you. Well, that’s not true. I can name three baking disasters that have happened to me in recent history. The point is that when it comes to cake, if you focus, work carefully and follow the magic (or rather, scientific) recipe, you are guaranteed to get out what you put in, except that it will now be delicious, and people will certainly take notice.

Muffins are a nice kind of cake to make. They are versatile but aren’t complicated, and they offer a no-nonsense hit of satisfying richness that delicate cupcakes just don’t match. Also, as with deep fat fryers and pancakes, if you put fruit in muffins, you can pretend they’re healthy. With this line of argument in mind, I put a lot of extra banana into these banana and chocolate chip muffins.

Until recently, I hated bananas in their original form, but it turns out that I love mashing them up. There’s something disturbingly satisfying about squishing bananas into a squidgy pulp, and it should definitely be included in any form of stress therapy. Aside from looking for an excuse to indulge my new hobby, I remembered that the last time I made these muffins, I was disappointed to find that there wasn’t a strong banana flavour, which is sort of crucial. I also added extra vanilla essence to really make sure the batter wasn’t bland.

The original recipe was for cinnamon and banana muffins, but that seemed far too grown up, practically bordering on healthy. Therefore, instead of two teaspoons of cinnamon, I replaced it with three teaspoons of cocoa powder. I also added a big bag of Cadbury Counters, and when that didn’t look like enough, I chopped up two tubes of Rolos and added those for good measure. The mix ended up being a pretty brown and yellow combination, a bit like a brownie uniform (the small girl, not the cake – cakes are morally opposed to uniforms), and looked almost split. To finish off, I topped each cake with a generous sprinkle of chocolate sugar, partly because I thought it would work well with the flavours, but mostly because that two word combination cannot be wrong when applied to cake.

The sugar didn’t burn, like it usually does, but became a slight crust on the top. The extra banana and vanilla extract made the sponge really moist, almost sticky in your hands. On my third attempt (I’m a dedicated tester), I managed to find a muffin that had no chocolate in it, but I’m hoping I only short-changed myself. The caramel in the sweets went gooey when it melted, adding another sugary flavour to the banana and chocolate.

In the midst of uncertainty, these muffins came out just right, despite the liberties I took with the recipe, and the bad luck I’ve had with the baking gods recently. Let’s hope my academic future is just as sweet.

For more banana-based foods, check out this recent recipe post.

Got a brilliant banana recipe, fact or experience to shout about? Don't burst (it can happen), write it in the comments section instead. Feel free to share the banana love by sharing this post on Twitter and Facebook, and to follow me for more posts on food and other important life stuff.

They're so appealing: simple and delicious banana recipes

I have recently had a food epiphany. For the first twenty two and a half years of my life, I thought bananas were an evil joke. This was due mostly to that horrible texture: not quite mushy, not quite rigid, sort of creamy but not runny, and with tiny seeds you can taste but not see – this has to be an alien food sent to confuse us. However, after trying them in smaller portions and mixed with other ingredients, I found that they are more like a friend with a great sense of humour and good heart, once you get past the fact they like Avatar and occasionally wear corduroy. In short, it’s worth overlooking that funky banana texture in order to access that exotic, classic, versatile flavour. If you’re still a sceptic, here are some simple recipes to embrace banana.

Blended

Probably the easiest way to enjoy a banana without having to deal with the texture, blending removes this problem by breaking down the confused mushy stiffness into a recognisable liquid state that only gives you the flavour. If you’re feeling virtuous, make a smoothie by mixing your banana with your favourite fruit and apple juice, and blending until it is fairly thick but looks like something you could drink without choking. For dessert, add banana to a generous portion of ice cream and a splash of milk (or the other way if you like it runny) and blend. For extra indulgence, use chocolate ice cream, or add chocolate sauce or peanut butter before blending.

Banana and Nutella toasty

Bangers and mash, peanut butter and jam, cheese and toast: some flavours are just meant to be together so we can eat them and be filled with joy. If you have yet to introduce bananas and Nutella into the same dish, this easy breakfast is a good place to start. Spread the Nutella as thick as you like, add thin slices of banana on top and toast in a toasty maker, or with one of those toasty bags. For extra fruity goodness and more sugar, add strawberries. For extra nuttiness, peanut butter makes a good alternative to Nutella.

BBQ Banana Split

The forks are out, the gloves are on and the air is filled with smoke. Barbeque season is hopefully beginning (cue rain), but meat is no longer the only option on the menu. Leaving the skin on, carefully slice your banana open lengthways without cutting all the way through. Chop some dark chocolate into small pieces, or use dark chocolate chips, and press them into the slit in the banana, making sure not to let your banana split completely. Wrap it up in foil and put it on the BBQ for about five minutes, or until the chocolate is melted and the banana is gooey. You can use milk chocolate if you prefer, and add marshmallows for extra sweetness. Eat straight from the foil, or serve with ice cream.

Pancakes

As we’ve seen, bananas tend to taste better when they’re sliced, heated and surrounded by a dessert-like substance. When it comes to pancakes, you can either go thin and French, adding the sliced banana as a filling and wrapping it up, or thick and American, adding slices to the batter itself. Personally, I prefer the latter, since the bananas get really gooey and sweet. Unfortunately, despite my love of baking and making all things sweet, I have cook’s block when it comes to American-style pancakes. From many experiments, I have found that the best way to achieve those big, fluffy pancakes you see stacked up in American films, such as that adorable scene in Matilda, is to go to Selly Sausage or swallow your pride and any pretention of actually cooking, and to use a readymade pancake mix.

On a side note...

According to this Betty Crocker mix, only girls can make pancakes. Must be something to do with our soft fingers, delicate sensibilities and love of staying in the kitchen. Or maybe it’s to do with gender stereotyping.

Back to the recipe. Ladies and gents, begin by thinly slice your bananas, then follow the instructions on the box to make the mix. Once you’ve added the batter to the frying pan, quickly press the banana slices into the pancake as it fries, obviously being careful not to burn yourself: don’t be a hero, it’s only breakfast. The pancakes taste better if you keep them flat, as this makes them cook more evenly, so use two frying pans if necessary. Once they’re golden brown and cooked through, transfer to a plate, cover in Nutella (if you wish) and gorge. Alternatively, you can put chocolate chips in the mixture with the bananas, but again add them once the batter is in the pan, since mixing them in beforehand makes it harder to get the pancakes flat. Best served with a sea of maple syrup, a hot coffee and a lazy Sunday morning.

Banana Brownies

As this post explains, I am a bit of a brownie fiend. Quick to make, easy to get right and fun to eat, these are the ultimate indulgence with minimum effort. They are also great to experiment with, whether that’s adding marshmallows and/or peanut M&Ms, or making a cheesecake brownie or Smores brownie, like those clever folks at the Hummingbird Bakery. For my banana brownies, I used their basic brownie recipe, mixing in 100g of roughly chopped dark chocolate and three mushed up ripe bananas right at the end.

Have them finished no more than two hours before you need them, and leave them in the tray until right before serving for a warm pudding that goes well with a splash of cream or scoop of ice cream. They also taste great when they’re cold, with that gorgeous gooey centre. Although I’m tempted to play around with the recipe a little more, this is a rich, dense dessert that’s been a favourite with my family.

Banana Cake

Cake makes everything better, including bananas. If you’re looking for something slightly exotic, hummingbird cake is one of my favourite desserts both to make and eat. It contains pineapple, pecans and bananas, and is best finished off with a cream cheese icing and a fork. No hummingbirds should be injured during the making of this cake, and if you do manage to hurt them, you’re doing it wrong.

If you’re craving dessert but not feeling that adventurous, banana muffins are moist, flavoursome and almost healthy. Ahem. They can be flavoured with cinnamon or chocolate, depending on your taste, and a bit of sugar sprinkled on the top creates a slight, sweet crust. Tantalising teaser: expect a future post with a more detailed description of my post-uni adventures in banana muffins. 

A Crime of Fashion: Five trends that need to be arrested

Clearly a terrible idea. 

Everyone knows that fashion is supposed to be a bit obscure; like a hipster’s music taste, the whole point is that only a few understand and recognise genius, while the rest of us are confused. However, while I am generally willing to defer to the experts, there are some popular fashion trends floating down the street and in fancy photo shoots that someone needs to question.

Clear bags

A fascination with the hidden workings of daily objects has a lead to a whole load of transparent merchandise, from clocks to remote controls and even this toaster. However, while watching the cogs turn or the toast brown bright might be considered legitimately interesting, at least for five minutes, providing the same access to the contents of your handbag is asking for trouble. For starters, you’re putting your valuables on display, effectively showing potential thieves the exact net worth of your possessions, and their location, saving them from rooting around and coming up with an old piece of gum stuck to a nail file.

On this note, there’s a reason that handbags have long been considered an intensely private space, into which no one may enter without a stern background check and written permission. Suddenly the old chocolate bar wrappers, hairclips and random pieces of paper that clutter bags everywhere are on display, not to mention anything you would usually shove in a discreet sidepocket. My problem is not a 1950’s-esque need to protect men’s delicate sensibilities, but rather that I don’t feel the need to make the contents of my bag, and by extension my life, public knowledge. On the bright side, you’ll never have to rummage blindly for your keys again, since you and everyone else will be able to spot them, nestled between the tampon, the banana peel and the empty Canesten box.   

Leather

Suddenly a trend formerly reserved for sofas, car seats and Hell’s Angels has become mainstream, with everyone donning chic cow skin creations, or at least cheaper imitations. With the introduction of this fabric into the fashion fold, pretty designs were transformed into something resembling alarming, squeaky bondage gear. Making a leather skater skirt is like building a castle out of marshmallows; both have their place, but mix them together and you’ve got a sticky mess that serves no one’s purpose.

Speaking of sticky, let us consult the faithful guide that can always be relied upon in times of crisis. No, not Google, Friends. Surely anyone who witnessed Ross’s desperate struggle with his leather trousers should have been warned off the demon fabric forever. Granted, a leather jacket can look pretty cool, although there’s still a risk that you’ll end up looking like a Neo-wannabe. Leather may seem like a good idea, but if we’re really honest, cows taste better in burgers than they look as trousers.

Leggings as trousers

Never acceptable, particularly during yoga. Like nose picking and masturbation, if you have to do it, do it in the privacy of your own home. For further ranting on this topic, indulge some shameless self-promotion and see my previous post here.

Flip flops

Undoubtedly the comfort shoe of choice on those special days when the sun makes a tentative appearance, sending temperatures dangerously close to ten degrees, and us palid, sickly-looking ones scurrying to the nearest patch of grass. However, while they may be fine for padding around the pool, walk for more than thirty seconds and the pain begins. The strap digs into your poor, unsuspecting foot, viciously slicing the tender skin between big toe and, er, index toe. In an effort to alleviate the pressure, you instinctively try to grip on to the flimsy fabric with your toes, giving your foot the appearance of a gargoyle’s claw, but in vain. Meanwhile, your ankle is thudding against hard concrete with no support, feeling every slight bump in the pavement like a piece of Lego left on the floor.

Twenty eight minutes later, you’ve arrived at a destination that normally requires a ten minute stroll, with deformed toes, bleeding feet and sore ankles. What’s more, every painful step is accompanied by a sound similar to that of a pancake being thrown against a wall, which, while initially charming, now sounds like a mocking laugh, taunting you for buying into this painful fad. To add insult to injury, you’ve just noticed how pale and extraordinarily hairy your ruined feet are. When you’ve finally hobbled home, the devil shoes go straight in the bin, only for you to spend the rest of summer watching others look blissfully summery with their smug tiny tan line and ventilated feet. Next year rolls around, and you find yourself standing in front of the latest batch, thinking ‘These ones will be different.’ Run far away, while you still can.

Onesies

Effectively a babygro for adults, these monstrosities are possibly the most inexplicably popular trend of all time. In a move that would surely interest Freud, everyone is reverting back to childhood in their search for comforting, all-engulfing warmth. I understand comfort: I have a pair of Ugg-style boots that make Crocs look classy but which fit like a glove, feel like a furry sleeping bag, and were sent straight from heaven via the ugly tree. However, the warmth factor is greatly reduced as an excuse when you realise that upon arriving in the arctic conditions of the bathroom in the dead of a snowy March night, you will have to remove half of your protective layer of clothing in order to get down to business, thereby rendering it not only ugly but pointless.

The only plausible explanation for these creations is that they can feasibly serve as a cheap fancy dress costume. Why spend money on an overpriced wig and an eye patch when you can buy a pirate onesie for the cost of a small Starbucks beverage? Put this little thing called dignity aside, and there’s no reason. Just don’t ever be tempted to wear it beyond your front door.