How it felt to be proposed to

Dramatic re-enactment

Being proposed to is something that girls are supposed to think about. I know this because I have read magazines, watched more than one rom com and went to an all girls’ school. Once, in a year 10 geography lesson, I overheard one girl confidently telling another that she intended her intended to propose to her in a hot air balloon. Never mind that we were about 15 at the time, and as far as I know the proposer in this plan was nowhere on the scene.

I reckon that we first learn this narrative from fairy tales and their Disney rehashes. After a bit of angst you’re going to stumble across the prince, face minor peril along the lines of losing your voice/having a hit put out by your murderous stepmother/being put into coma, or some other routine Jerry Springer-type stuff, and then after a snog or two you get married.

This storyboard is further backed up by a swathe of bossy novels, which spend about 300 pages pretending that the dashing hero is never going to propose to the plucky heroine and then, bam, 83 hours of your life later that is exactly what happens. You nearly had me there Austen, you wily minx. When those have started to seem a bit samey, you move on to glossy rom coms starring beautiful, funny, successful grown women all pining over the question of getting to that moment. Oh do shut up, Bridget.

Obviously, the initial reasoning behind this obsession was based on what for most women in the Western world is now a thankfully defunct social order. Since women can now earn our own money and pay our own bills and live alone, we’re not relying on some guy to come along and provide a way out of the parental home, plus a bit of cash. We get to find other purposes in life, like a high flying career as a trapeze artist or travelling to every abandoned McDonalds in America, or learning how to do the scorpion pose.

And yet society is still so in love with love that there remains to this day sensible adult people who spend time fantasising about their ideal proposal. There are hundreds of thousands of videos on YouTube to give you ideas, like the guy who buttered his girlfriend up with a puppy first (cue hysterical tears) and put the ring around its neck (cue sounds only the puppy could hear). There’s the guy who ropes his family and friends into performing a choreographed parade to Bruno Mars’ Marry You. You will cry. And hate yourself for it. And then, of course, there are the ones that don’t go so well, generally at sports games, but before we start dying inside for these guys, remember that these are probably staged. Or that’s what they’ll claim.

I am not someone who planned out how I wanted a future mystical man to propose. This is partly because, as the child of divorced parents, I didn’t think I would ever be getting married. Maybe some time after 35. And more likely never.

I had fully planned to be an old lady with purple hair, living in a New York apartment crammed with books and mad artefacts from my global travels, eating granola all day and wearing ballgowns and Converse because there was no guy around to be confused about my eclectic fashion sense. And then I went to Berlin and met someone who switched the gear on that grand life plan. Insert long story involving a deployment to Iraq and lots of Skype and over a year waiting to see each other again. I was sitting alone in Phoenix Airport, waiting for my flight back to Heathrow, when I knew that I was going to marry him, in the same unquestioning and total way that I know where the Tube doors will stop and which is the squeaky stair in my childhood home and that it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere.

Four months and a trip to London and a trip to Vegas and more Skype and many discussions later, including a 6am inquiry about what ring I wanted (er, huh?), we’re walking back to my flat after watching Bridge of Spies. Because nothing says romance like Cold War dramas starring Tom Hanks.

It’s a bit damp but mercifully mild, and late enough on a Tuesday night before Christmas that the Southbank has mostly cleared of tourists. I’m full because I've had nearly an entire bag of slightly stale-tasting sweet cinema popcorn and a cheeseburger and chips. My hair is all over the place because of the drizzle. But I don’t really care because he’s actually here, in 3D, and he has warm hands, and I have a sneaky suspicion I know what’s coming.

I’m intuitive, OK.

We get to our favourite bridge, which has a view east of Waterloo Bridge, Southbank, St Paul’s and the Shard in the distance. He pulls me gently over to the silver railings. And he gets out this white box. And time stands still.

Turns out getting proposed to is a lot like deciding to have sex for the first time. Throughout your life you’ve heard that this is a pivotal moment that will mark a dividing line between the time before you knew what all the fuss was about, and the time when you’re in the know. But it’s actually the decision itself that is more important, more formative, than the exact moment.

Standing in front of this man, who is funny and kind and maddening and caring, I decided that despite years of being steadfastly against the idea of committing to one person forever, actually, I’m more than willing to give it everything for him.

And like sex, you’re still the same person after it. That moment doesn’t change you. It’s more that you're knowingly going from one stage of your life to the next. Like levelling up or birthdays in The Sims when they spin round, lights burst out and now they’re a spotty teenager.

Then a drunk guy will come up and congratulate you on being madly in love, and you will smile and nod until he leaves.

I still don’t think everyone should get married, because you know what works for you better than some tax man or priest or nosy relative or diamond salesman. And there's no point planning how to get proposed to, whatever gender you are, because you won't know how it feels until you're there. If the method of question-asking is the most important thing to you, you've kind of missed the long-term implications.

I remember looking across the water as we turned to walk the rest of the way home. The view was the same, we were the same, but while crossing from one end of the bridge to the other, my life had definitely changed in a way I wouldn't have predicted for myself, despite all that Disney. So instead of trying to guess where my steps would fall, I squeezed his warm hand with mine and kept walking.

This old thing?

Why Keira Knightley should play me in the movie of my life

It's not that funny, Keira

My passion for indie dramas where not much happens but everyone learns a lot means I'm pretty sure my life could still inspire a movie. The final character list is unconfirmed, wardrobe could use a hand, and the plot is still a work in progress. But just in case someone pens a screen-ready version of my story up to now, I've prepared this pitch to convince the only person I want in the starring role...

It’s another chance to move away from period dramas.
Look Keira, I have to admit that I wasn’t sold on you in Pride and Prejudice. It’s not your fault that Jane Austen tends towards the dry, but all that mucking around with fans, silly dance routines and raised eyebrows over bizarre social etiquette was really underselling you. Atonement was better, if only because you and young version of Professor X did for libraries what Ghost did for pottery (and can we all take a moment for That Green Dress) but the character was still a little arch.

Forget playing it cool: my life story has you at your goofy, vulnerable, totally unhip best. The shy singer from Begin Again (minus the singing), the dippy pot-head neighbour in Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (minus the pot and impending apocalypse) and the feisty footballer from Bend it Like Beckham (minus the football). You don’t have to be poised and witty and well-behaved. You can trip on things and laugh at inappropriate moments and have totally incoherent rants. Also, you can chuck all those corsets in the Thames and spend the entire film wearing Converse.

It would be nice to pretend I look like Keira for 90 minutes.
Aside from being talented, funny, charming and fabulously sweary, Keira is also beautiful. Her chiselled cheekbones make Everest look like an anthill, and those warm Galaxy chocolate-brown eyes just seem to simmer. She’d perfected the glamour pout before Kim Kardashian had even heard of Instagram, but also has one of those grins that makes you forget that the bus was late and you spilled coffee on your favourite dress.

So yes, the lady has looks. However, crucially for my movie, they are not of the big-boobed, blow-dried, blonde-haired beauty queen aesthetic. All power to the women blessed with these, but this is my life story, damn it, and we’ll save the make-up artist and prosthetic specialist a lot of time and tears by aiming for Keira's comfortable, no-faffs-given look.

If you take a badly focussed picture of me, down a few shots and close your eyes quite tight, it’s possible to think that it looks a bit like Keira when she’s having an off-day. We both have brown hair, skinny arms and features that could vaguely be described as ‘English rose’ (if someone was being particularly kind). Wikipedia also informs me that we're the same height. No one is going to come running up to me, autograph book poised, to ask what it was like snogging Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean a million years ago, but if Charlize Theron can pull off Monster, I think there might just be hope yet.

Her accent is like a polished version of mine.
Especially if you’re an American Hollywood producer and have no grasp on the nuances of British accents (see Anne Hathaway in One Day). We both have voices that would let us blend nicely into the queue at John Lewis, but without slipping into the realms of polo shows, afternoon tea at the Ritz and opening Champagne bottles with swords. Our mouths fit neatly around the F-Bomb and we don’t always pronounce ‘t’ at the end of a word.

Having Keira giving voice to my thoughts would give them a certain refinement while still making sure they sound true to me. I recently discovered that I sound like a sarcastic kitten (a suspicion even my mum couldn’t quite dispel) but I reckon she could smooth that out, backing up my middle class stiffness with a polite firmness. Plus she can sing, which will make any shower scenes much more pleasant.

She'll be cool with the feminist angle.
Keira never let some nervous-looking PR shut her up about feminism, even before it became trendy for celebs to voice their opinion that women should maybe be treated equally by society. She’s called out the film industry on its lack of roles for women, pointing out that this needs to come from more females working behind the scenes.

She’s also commented that it’s a shame ‘feminism’ has become a dirty and misunderstood word, challenged the way women’s images are manipulated by the media, and spoken out against domestic abuse. And she’s done this without causing men everywhere to immediately jump on the defensive. Calling for female empowerment is not the same as saying men are bad and inferior and we should throw tampon torpedoes at them, and Keira somehow seems to have that balance.

Look, Keira: it probably won't win you an Oscar, there are no library sex scenes (well, not yet) and you will be spending a lot of time watching Netflix. But if you fancy something at a slower pace and with limited stunts, then the offer is always open.

See you for the read through?

Five must-see films of summer 2013

The weather may be predictably unpredictable, but British summer can always be relied upon to bring us a host of decent films. Here are five to catch for when the rain is pouring and you've tired of tennis.

Monsters University

Friday 12^th July

Director: Dan Scanlon

Starring: Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi

It’s been twelve years since Sulley and Mike first appeared on our screens in Monsters, Inc., allowing young fans of that film to grow up and reach a new life stage scarier than any monster: university. In Toy Story 3, Andy’s departure for university was timed just as those of us who grew up with the series were packing our bags, books and saucepans and leaving home ourselves. The result was cinemas full of weeping eighteen year-olds, nostalgic adults, and young children still laughing at Mr Potato Head wobbling about as a tortilla wrap. Hoping to draw a similarly diverse audience, the new prequel goes back to Sulley and Mike’s university days, where their initial impressions of each other are anything but favourable as they learns the tricks of the scare trade. By resorting to familiar characters in a situation now relevant to their old audience, Pixar are playing it safe in a bid to move on from the relative failure of Cars 2 and Brave. Will it be a roaring success or just scarily bad? With Finding Dory in the pipeline, let's hope this new run of sequels live up to expectations.

Despicable Me 2

Friday 28^th June

Director: Chris Renaud and Pierre Coffin

Starring: Steve Carrell, Ken Jeong, Kristen Wiig

Unlike Pixar, Universal waited only three years to release a sequel to their surprise hit Despicable Me, in which super villain Gru (voiced by Steve Carrell) found himself adopting three orphans in a bid to outdo his arch nemesis Vector (Jason Segel) by becoming the most notorious force of evil in the world. The whacky plot, witty script and fabulously memorable characters produced one of those rare films that makes you laugh more than is strictly appropriate in a public setting, and leaves you wondering what happens next. Now Gru and his dysfunctional crew are back, including the scene-stealing, dungaree-clad minions, but this time he’s using his evil skills for good, working with the Anti-Villain League to save the world. It’s a tall order, but if the sequel can produce the same high quality, quirky humour, we’re in for a treat.

Man of Steel

Friday 14^th June

Director: Zack Snyder

Starring: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Russell Crowe, Michael Shannon

Following Chris Nolan’s moody Batman reboot, superhero films are no longer just fast, fun, quip-filled epics. Now, it’s all about the angst and burden that comes with having awesome powers. Traditionally, Superman has always been the ultimate good guy, unfailingly moral and bordering on indestructible, so naturally everyone scoffed at the thought of this primary-colour-clad icon as a troubled, isolated figure. And then the trailers came out, and we all stopped laughing and stared open-mouthed at a stubble-bedecked Superman apparently working on an oilrig. We may even have drooled a little. But we certainly put aside our doubts and got on board. Let’s hope it’s as tough as the name suggests.

The Bling Ring

Friday 5^th July

Director: Sophia Coppola

Starring: Emma Watson, Katie Chang, Israel Broussard

If the plot wasn’t based on real events, it would sound too ridiculous for a film. Fascinated with the hedonistic celebrity lifestyle that surrounds them, a group of wealthy LA teens decide to literally bag themselves a piece of it, by burgling the homes of the rich and famous. Having proved she can actually act in last year’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Emma Watson continues in her mission to shed her Harry Potter image as one of the bad girl burglars. However, early reviews are commending the performances of the relative unknowns who make up the gang, particularly Katie Chang and Israel Broussard. The gang’s obsession with fame, and their use of social media and the internet to target their victims makes for a pertinent look at the attractions and issues of modern celebrity culture.  

Now You See Me

Wednesday 3^rd July

Director: Louis Leterrier

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Morgan Freeman, Woody Harrelson

Let’s forget that Movie 43 has conclusively proved that a talented cast does not guarantee a great film, and ogle what has got to be one of the best line ups this year. The dream team includes rising stars Isla Fisher, Dave Franco (James’ younger brother), and Jesse Eisenberg (yes, he’s definitely there somewhere behind the beard), alongside reliable regulars Woody Harrelson and Mark Ruffalo, and acting heavyweights Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine. Apparently burglars are the fashionable profession this summer: this gang relies not on the magic of the internet, but of, er, magic, to rob banks, giving their ill-gotten gains to their audiences in a charming Robin Hood-esque gesture. A weird meeting of The Prestige and Hustle, don’t expect subtlety, but marvel instead at the sorcery on offer in this summer blockbuster.

The World’s End

Friday 19^th July

Director: Edgar Wright

Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Rosamund Pike

The third and possibly final collaboration between Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz writers Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright sees a group of old friends reunite in their home town to finish off a bar crawl started years before. However, judging by the huge explosions and glowing blue eyes observable in the trailer, all is not what it seems. Former collaborator Nick Frost is back, along with Martin Freeman, Paddy Considine and Eddie Marson, who head a stellar British cast. Judging by previous offerings, we can look forward to loopy characters, brilliant humour, true bromance and plenty of melodramatic action sequences.

Does Gru make you grin, or do you like Mike? Magic fan or man of steel? Share your thoughts and the films you're looking forward to in the comments below. Make sure that cinema trip happens, and send a subtle hint to your friends by sharing this post on Twitter or Facebook, and follow the blog for more film articles, summer posts and general snippets of joy.

Film Review: Populaire

Directed by Régis Roinsard

Starring: Romain Duris, Déborah François, Bérénice Bejo

Let’s all forget our unspoken agreement to lie through our teeth in an effort to appear cultured, and admit that if there’s a choice between a subtitled foreign film and one in our native language, the latter will probably win out. It’s not just laziness; subtitles can be problematic from an artistic point of view. Having to constantly read subtitles distracts you from the visuals of the shot, sometimes revealing critical information before the images have had a chance to catch up, and it is often difficult to connect the tone of voice with that big mush of unfathomable words, meaning subtleties of the dialogue go over your head. Ultimately, through no fault of the filmmakers or audience, this disjointed feel means it can be hard to immerse yourself in the world presented by a subtitled foreign film.

Into these reservations blew the trailer for Populaire, showing a well-dressed boss meeting a ditsy secretary with a talent for typing, and promptly entering her into a typing contest. Will-they-won’t-they romance plot? Check. Misfit leading lady waiting to shine? Quirky scenario? Glamorous 1950s period setting? Big, bright, beautiful dresses? Check, check, check, and check. Oh, and Bérénice Bejo from The Artist is in it too. While many film fans will be groaning into their snobbery and horror collections at the thought (hi Matt, thanks for reading), these ingredients compromise everything I would look for in a fun, easy film, and so I overlooked the groaning sensation let loose by my inner heathen at the mention of the S word, and got ready to read.

As the trailer suggests, the plot revolves around Rose Pomphyle (Déborah François), a modern woman trapped in a small French town, who dreams of leaving it all behind to make it big, starting with a job as a secretary. Enter dashing but gruff Louis Échard (Romain Duris), an insurance man who is fed up with always being second best, both in the eyes of his father and of Marie (Bejo), the woman he once loved who went on to marry his best friend. Échard begins training Rose for the typing championships, but the gruelling schedule and their emerging chemistry complicate their feelings about each other and themselves.

So far, so predictable, but there’s more to this romance than meets the eye, and the characters are not simply allowed to fall into each other’s arms in typical Hollywood style. Despite his generosity, Échard is no Prince Charming, often seeming cold and rude, while Rose is alternately sweet, tough and maddeningly selfish. Both undergo some thorough self-examination as they try to tangle out their places in the world, a theme that reflects the mood of the 1958 setting, which sees France caught between the memory of the war and the new generation’s desire for modernity.

And that 1958 setting looks good. The visuals are awash with the glamour that pervades fifties and sixties period films, with the vast difference between Rose’s sleepy town and the vibrant, modern city emphasised by scenes bedecked in candy colours, fancy cars and snappy dressers. Everyone has their hair styled to perfection, make up looking flawless, puffy dresses, sharp suits and big, shiny houses: in other words, everything you would expect from a retro rom com, but transplanted to France and revolving around a typing competition.

It this plot detail that really lifts this film out of the ordinary and means it would be entirely fair to classify Populaire as a sports movie. It employs a fairly standard formula: an underdog with raw talent and ambition to be great undertakes intense instruction from an expert coach in order to try and win a competition. There are training montages that are surprisingly entertaining, mid-competition disasters, and the tension of whether or not victory will be achieved. The quirky twist, of course, is that the sport involved is speed typing. Populaire does for this what Whip It did for roller derby, in that it brings a frequently derided activity and shows a competitive, gutsy, challenging side that requires discipline and skill. Ultimately, it is this sporting plotline, rather than the romance, which drives the narrative of the film, pushing Populaire from an average rom com to a mix of sports film, love story, drama and comedy.

Like those subtitle sceptics, Populaire is not pretentious in its ambitions, offering light-hearted but moving entertainment rather than hard-hitting drama. While the pervasive screen of retro glamour threatens to posit it firmly in the territory of frothy, mindless love story, the quirky premise, sporting plotline and well-developed main characters takes this from run of the mill and make for a charming, whimsical film.

Five little lifts of last week

Rex was not happy with the prices in the gift shop.

Sunny delight

Don’t look now, but a certain big, bright, shiny thing has returned to our skies from its winter holidays. Expect lots of half-naked pasty people spread around the parks and beaches of England, making the most of the sixteen degree heat wave. In the mean time, I will be sporting a pair of giant, pink sixties-style sunglasses which look ridiculous but make me feel like I’m in Mad Men. Roll on summer.

Mmm, donut pyjamas

While pyjamas for donuts would be adorable, if a little tricky to pull off, I am referring to blue pyjama trousers in a donut print you could just devour. While they’re perfect for ‘vegging out,’ carrot-print pyjamas are just not as relaxing as those covered in desserts, even if it does make you feel a bit peckish. There's something cosy about donuts, which explains why they're called comfort food.

Digging up the Jurassic Park DVD

Not only did these films teach us valuable life lessons, such as how to make dinosaurs, don’t go in the long grass, and T-rex can’t see you if you don’t move, but they were fantastic entertainment. Suddenly the terrible lizards in picture books were not just vague myths akin to unicorns and clowns, but living and breathing monsters capable of destroying cities. My interest in palaeontology may have ultimately proved short-lived, but the tenseness and magic of this classic trilogy remains preserved throughout the years.

Hot mess

As I’ve mentioned on this blog before, I have a deep and abiding love of making, baking and especially eating brownies. Even when they go wrong, they taste fantastic, and my latest batch went horribly, oozily, beautifully wrong. In Year 5, I wrote a story about a woman who caused an explosion when she put too much baking powder in her Christmas pudding. I can now confirm that baking powder doesn’t do this (for anyone left wondering), but putting three times the amount in does have some interesting effects. They weren’t brownies so much as a massive mess of gooey chocolate. With peanut M&Ms. And marshmallows. And white chocolate chunks. Best mistake ever.

Reading Rehab

Once upon a time, I could curl up with a book and be satisfied for hours. Jump to the end of my literature degree, and even looking at a book that doesn’t require long hours of making notes, reading critical work and crafting essays makes me feel guilty. This week, I entered book rehab, and while it’s been slow progress, when I reached the end of  Junot Diaz’s This is How You Lose Her, I was greeted with the familiar warm glow that comes with learning the twists and turns of a new story. Although I am now an abhorrent book snob, my degree has made me better able to appreciate the nuances of a well-written book. You could say that this is a new chapter in my reading experience. But that would be corny.

Three perks of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Despite being set in a ‘90s American high school and featuring Paul Rudd as an English teacher, the similarities between Perks and all typical teenage comedies end there. Adapted by writer Stephen Chbosky from his own novel, this film follows troubled sixteen-year-old Charlie as he enters his freshman year of high school. Complete with shots of Emma Watson in a corset and lines such as 'Welcome to the island of misfit toys', the trailer really undersells this sincere and moving portrayal of friendship as a kind of hipster dramedy. There are far more sombre themes at play here than a bit of teenage angst, and they are mediated through a moving and funny script that brushes aside all preconceptions and goes right for the heartstrings.

Ezra Miller, Logan Lerman and Emma Watson

While each deserves their own place on this list, I’ve uncharitably decided to lump these three stars together into a Megazord of talent. Anyone who cringed through Watson’s wooden Harry Potter years will be left gobsmacked by her intelligent portrayal of flawed but kind-hearted Sam. In fairness, there is more depth to this character than there was to Hermione, not to mention better clothes and an edgy new haircut, but rather than flounder with a complex and entirely different character, Watson rises to this new challenge.

Another star who managed to escape typecasting is Ezra Miller, who earned rave reviews as the eponymous teen in dark drama We Need to Talk About Kevin. Miller steals every scene as outgoing Patrick in a sensitive performance that flits between mischievous humour and raw emotion. This subtle but powerful handling of intense subject matter is also seen in Lerman, who makes Charlie seem endearing and naive as he negotiates the tricky world of high school along with darker problems. In Lerman’s capable hands, Charlie’s wide-eyed revelation that ‘We are infinite’ comes across not as shallow, meaningless drivel, but as a poignant moment of clarity in the muddled life of this lonely teenager. What could have been a tacky and superficial tale of teenage angst rings true through thanks to the intelligent performances of the three leads.

It’s all about the music

Although the film is set in the '90s, Sam and Charlie’s love of old songs means the soundtrack draws frequently on the music of earlier decades, including The Smiths, David Bowie and Dexys Midnight Runners. One of the highlights of the film sees Charlie, Sam and Patrick discover Bowie’s ‘Heroes’ for the first time: the tentative yet defiant positivity of the song perfectly captures the heady mix of fear and courage that defines teenage years. Not only do the songs compliment the ups and downs in the narrative, but the importance of music also leads to many moments of fond nostalgia for those of us who remember the hazy days of cassettes and making mix tapes with hand-written labels. Of course, I was listening to Liberty X and audio books at the time (Sophie’s Snail does not make an appearance here), and you never see anyone having to wind the film back in, but this little reminder of nineties tech puts Perks firmly in one era, reminding us of the ethereal nature of our teenage years.

It makes The Breakfast Club look like Mean Girls

It may be set in high school, but much of the subject matter here is far from juvenile. While Charlie experiences typical teenage problems, such as romantic entanglements, drug experimentation and some highly witty name-calling, Perks also addresses depression, suicide, domestic violence, homophobia, and child abuse. Far from shoving these themes down the audience’s throat, the film posits them as aspects of characters’ lives, but not their defining feature. As a result, while each character faces personal demons, they are relatable beyond these as realistic people. These issues are not used for their shock-factor but to explain the flaws of the characters, and the film is more moving for it.

If you're looking for a film that evokes the silliness of teenage years through screwball comedy and vaguely detestable characters, look elsewhere. Perks may look like a shallow, angst-ridden and moody hipster flick, but strong performances and a clever script, along with some well-chosen music, make this a moving and poignant reminder of the perks and pitfalls of being a teenager.

Five essential components of a Christmas film

Whether it's a classic or a cheesy treat, everyone has a Christmas film of choice. The shops may have been playing carols since August, but now that those first few advent calendar windows have been ripped open it's truly time to indulge. Deck the halls, grab a mince pie, and see how many of these essentials your festive favourite features.

"And you're sure that a sleigh is covered by an automatic licence?"

Family fun. Like it or not, Christmas is a time for family. Whether arguing bitterly, screwing each other’s partners or discovering the true spirit of Christmas, families are often the ribbon that holds Christmas movies together.

Let it snow, man. Christmas is no time for rain, dear. However unreflective it may be of real life, we expect snow in Christmas movies. We want those shots of snow-covered hills bedecked with snowmen and sledding children, because snow is marvellous and beautiful when there is a TV screen between it and us. We can smugly turn up the fire and peek out from a duvet at the characters in the cold, safe in the knowledge that it won’t be us clearing the driveway tonight.

The knitwear before Christmas. Of course our intrepid characters need something to protect them from all that snow, and as the temperatures drop the gloves, scarves and lumpy woolly jumpers come out. Bonus points if any piece of attire has a reindeer on it. Triple points for bobbles.

Crazy stupid love. The brother of the woman whose house you’re borrowing? Naturally. The guy with stationery instead of hands who your mum has semi-adopted? Why not. Your Portuguese housekeeper with whom you have no way to communicate barring hand gestures and broken English? Meant to be. All that mistletoe seems to go to people’s heads, resulting in some highly implausible relationships. When the wrapping paper is in the bin, the Christmas pudding has been turned to crumbs and the hangover sets in, the tree has a better chance of lasting through the New Year than some of these movie couples.

Get your Santa Claus out. Surely the oldest character in movie history, Santa is sure to add a festive feel to any film. Well, any film in which he’s not played by Billy Bob Thornton.

Film Review: The Sapphires

Released: Wednesday 7th November 

Director: Wayne Blair

Starring: Chris O'Dowd, Deborah Mailman, Jessica Mauboy

Verdict: Great acting and singing and some genuinely funny moments, but a loose plot means it never really shines.

***

It’s 1968 and three Aboriginal sisters are performing a country song in the talent contest in a local bar before a hostile white audience and a bemused Irishman. Although they miss out on the prize, the girls pick up a manager/pianist in the form of the aforementioned Irishman, self-proclaimed soul man Dave (Chris O’Dowd). Armed with an advert calling for entertainers to perform for American soldiers in Vietnam, the four head off to get the reluctant blessing of the girls’ parents. 

When youngest sister Julie (Jessica Mauboy) is refused permission, older sisters Gail (Deborah Mailman) and Cynthia (Miranda Tapsell) set out to recruit their cousin Kay (Shari Sebbens), who used to sing with them when they were children. Joined by the ever resilient Julie and with old tensions returning to trouble Kay and Gail, Dave persuades the band to ditch the country and find their inner soul stars as they jet off to romance and danger in war-torn Vietnam.

The film starts off strongly, drawing on the chemistry between the sisters to create a promising premise. The main characters all have their own problems; Dave is a borderline alcoholic, ambitious Cynthia is hurting over a broken engagement, young mother Julie vaguely mentions something about making a better life for her son, stoic Gail is busy watching out for everyone and Kay is confused over how to handle her muddled racial status in racist Australia. 

On this last point, the film should be credited with not shying away from Australia’s troubled racial past, although it generally ignores the history of American segregation. However, as it goes on, these personal issues are generally ignored in favour of various blossoming romances, of which only one seems to reach a clear conclusion by the end of the film. Loose ends are acceptable when they are clearly intended, but in a film billed as ‘the feel-good film of the year’ (I’ve fallen for that line before, Danny Boyle) it seems odd that two of the three major relationships are seemingly forgotten, as are Julie’s plans for fame.

Although no one could accuse this film of aiming to be the next Apocalypse Now, it does generally offer an alarmingly rosy view of the Vietnam War. While most scenes set in the war show soldiers cheerfully gambling, smoking and singing along to some wonderful soul classics, the most graphic image of war is an amputee watching the band perform with a wistfully forlorn expression, as though he has just remembered he forgot to buy the milk. Of course the women are the focus, but the film somewhat loses its impact in the wake of this rose-tinted representation of war. Also, the suggestion that a bit of soul might calm the black troops after the assassination of Martin Luther King is patronising bordering on offensive.

However, while this film is clearly not perfect, it has moments of brilliance. The sharp comedy is pulled off perfectly, particularly by O’Dowd and Mailman, whose chemistry shines throughout, and the performances themselves are breathtaking, often thanks to Mauboy’s superb vocals. Despite being rather forgotten by the end, Tapsell manages to play to both the comedy and pathos of the film. Although determined to maintain the upbeat heart of the story, the filmmakers take care to show the disturbing impact of racism in Australia.

Despite the actors’ best efforts and some sharp, well-delivered jokes, The Sapphires never transforms into anything more than an uplifting comedy with some outstanding performances of soul classics.

Five things to do during a power cut

Dreading the next time a blackout leaves your evening plans in ruins? Here are five power cut-proof activities to keep you entertained.

Light candles. Usually left untouched in the back of the Messy Draw, the humble candle is undoubtedly the hero of the blackout. Suddenly that lavender scented beauty you received two Christmases ago seems like the most thoughtful gift ever. Now if only you could find the matches...

Play board games. The TV won’t work? The internet is down? What fresh hell is this? For those of you who have yet to discover the joy and bloodlust that result from a highly competitive round of Articulate, prepare to forget all about the delights of Don’t Tell the Bride and find your fighting spirit next blackout.  

Jump out on people. Surely the first course of action when darkness suddenly descends: added points if you can include a torch-under-the-chin stunt in your performance. Win bragging rights forever if the neighbours come running, but fair warning: expect a cold and calculated revenge.

Save the ice cream. Power-less Ben & Jerry’s fans: your frozen goods need you. The fish fingers and pizza might be out of the question, but grab a spoon and don’t let the ice cream go to waste. So what if the power came back half an hour ago? These things can be temperamental, so better finish it just to be sure. If you want to be extra resourceful, use the frozen peas to soothe the lumps induced by bumping into things while you were stumbling round in the dark looking for the candles.

Tell ghost stories. The TV won't wake up and all the Monopoly money has vanished: time to revert to practically prehistoric forms of entertainment. If you can’t think of any ghost stories of your own, simply summarise a classic film or book. Can't remember it all? Improvise: who says that The Shining wouldn't have been improved by ten foot clowns with bat wings? Just be sure to remember that while seeing your housemates trembling in terror may seem fun at the time, you’ve got to go to bed in total darkness too.

Five films to see in November

Nothing beats the cinema for escapism: it's full of tension, romance and drama, and it's even indoors. As temperatures and the number of daylight hours drop, take solace in five fantastic films.

Rust and Bone

Friday 2^nd November

Director: Jacques Audiard

Starring: Marion Cotillard, Matthias Schoenaerts, Fabien Baïardi

What better credentials can a film have to offer than Marion Cotillard, a dramatic love story and killer whales? Maybe the accolade of ‘Best Film’ from the BFI Film Festival and a nomination for this year’s Palme d’Or. Cotillard plays Stephanie, a killer whale trainer who grows close to reckless single dad Ali (Belgian heartthrob Matthias Schoenaerts) after a terrible accident. Most reviews are overwhelmingly positive, with some labelling Cotillard as an early Oscar contender, so bone up on your French or grab your reading glasses for this gritty and compelling drama.

Argo

Wednesday 7^th November

Director: Ben Affleck

Starring: Bryan Cranston, Ben Affleck, John Goodman

Directed by and starring a heavily bearded Ben Affleck, Argo is based on the true story of an attempt to pass off six American diplomats stuck in Tehran during the 1979 Iran hostage crisis as a Canadian film crew working on a sci-fi. Argo has been reviewed as a tense thriller with moments of dark humour, all of which sounds right up the street of a cast that includes Bryan Cranston, John Goodman and Alan Arkin.

The Sapphires

Wednesday 7^th November

Director: Wayne Blair

Starring: Chris O’Dowd, Deborah Mailman, Jessica Mauboy

If all of this seems a bit intense, try this comedic gem. Also inspired by a true story, The Sapphires follows a quartet of Aboriginal Australian singers, and their well-meaning Irish manager (Chris O’Dowd), who go from country girls to soul stars as they find themselves entertaining troops embroiled in the Vietnam War. It may not be the next Apocalypse Now (which is probably a good thing), but this has been praised as a film with a heart behind the humour.

Skyfall

Friday 26^th October

Director: Sam Mendes

Starring: Daniel Craig, Javier Bardem, Judi Dench

Yes, technically this came out in October, but there are probably quite a few of us already queuing up to relive it again. While the beginning frequently slips into predictable Bond territory (think superficial 'Bond girls' and implausible action sequences), the arrival of Javier Bardem’s brilliantly creepy villain marks this as a move away from the cheesy spy thrillers of the past and as an intelligent and gripping film in its own right.

The Master

Friday 2^nd November

Director: Paul Thomas Anderson

Starring: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Phoenix, Amy Adams

Any film starring Philip Seymour Hoffman as a cult leader and Joaquin Phoenix as his dedicated disciple has to be worth a watch, particularly one written and directed by Paul Thomas Anderson. With the performances from the two leads and Anderson’s direction already receiving rave reviews, one of the year’s most highly anticipated films is building up quite a following.