Why Keira Knightley should play me in the movie of my life

It's not that funny, Keira

My passion for indie dramas where not much happens but everyone learns a lot means I'm pretty sure my life could still inspire a movie. The final character list is unconfirmed, wardrobe could use a hand, and the plot is still a work in progress. But just in case someone pens a screen-ready version of my story up to now, I've prepared this pitch to convince the only person I want in the starring role...

It’s another chance to move away from period dramas.
Look Keira, I have to admit that I wasn’t sold on you in Pride and Prejudice. It’s not your fault that Jane Austen tends towards the dry, but all that mucking around with fans, silly dance routines and raised eyebrows over bizarre social etiquette was really underselling you. Atonement was better, if only because you and young version of Professor X did for libraries what Ghost did for pottery (and can we all take a moment for That Green Dress) but the character was still a little arch.

Forget playing it cool: my life story has you at your goofy, vulnerable, totally unhip best. The shy singer from Begin Again (minus the singing), the dippy pot-head neighbour in Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (minus the pot and impending apocalypse) and the feisty footballer from Bend it Like Beckham (minus the football). You don’t have to be poised and witty and well-behaved. You can trip on things and laugh at inappropriate moments and have totally incoherent rants. Also, you can chuck all those corsets in the Thames and spend the entire film wearing Converse.

It would be nice to pretend I look like Keira for 90 minutes.
Aside from being talented, funny, charming and fabulously sweary, Keira is also beautiful. Her chiselled cheekbones make Everest look like an anthill, and those warm Galaxy chocolate-brown eyes just seem to simmer. She’d perfected the glamour pout before Kim Kardashian had even heard of Instagram, but also has one of those grins that makes you forget that the bus was late and you spilled coffee on your favourite dress.

So yes, the lady has looks. However, crucially for my movie, they are not of the big-boobed, blow-dried, blonde-haired beauty queen aesthetic. All power to the women blessed with these, but this is my life story, damn it, and we’ll save the make-up artist and prosthetic specialist a lot of time and tears by aiming for Keira's comfortable, no-faffs-given look.

If you take a badly focussed picture of me, down a few shots and close your eyes quite tight, it’s possible to think that it looks a bit like Keira when she’s having an off-day. We both have brown hair, skinny arms and features that could vaguely be described as ‘English rose’ (if someone was being particularly kind). Wikipedia also informs me that we're the same height. No one is going to come running up to me, autograph book poised, to ask what it was like snogging Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean a million years ago, but if Charlize Theron can pull off Monster, I think there might just be hope yet.

Her accent is like a polished version of mine.
Especially if you’re an American Hollywood producer and have no grasp on the nuances of British accents (see Anne Hathaway in One Day). We both have voices that would let us blend nicely into the queue at John Lewis, but without slipping into the realms of polo shows, afternoon tea at the Ritz and opening Champagne bottles with swords. Our mouths fit neatly around the F-Bomb and we don’t always pronounce ‘t’ at the end of a word.

Having Keira giving voice to my thoughts would give them a certain refinement while still making sure they sound true to me. I recently discovered that I sound like a sarcastic kitten (a suspicion even my mum couldn’t quite dispel) but I reckon she could smooth that out, backing up my middle class stiffness with a polite firmness. Plus she can sing, which will make any shower scenes much more pleasant.

She'll be cool with the feminist angle.
Keira never let some nervous-looking PR shut her up about feminism, even before it became trendy for celebs to voice their opinion that women should maybe be treated equally by society. She’s called out the film industry on its lack of roles for women, pointing out that this needs to come from more females working behind the scenes.

She’s also commented that it’s a shame ‘feminism’ has become a dirty and misunderstood word, challenged the way women’s images are manipulated by the media, and spoken out against domestic abuse. And she’s done this without causing men everywhere to immediately jump on the defensive. Calling for female empowerment is not the same as saying men are bad and inferior and we should throw tampon torpedoes at them, and Keira somehow seems to have that balance.

Look, Keira: it probably won't win you an Oscar, there are no library sex scenes (well, not yet) and you will be spending a lot of time watching Netflix. But if you fancy something at a slower pace and with limited stunts, then the offer is always open.

See you for the read through?