Five must-see films of summer 2013

The weather may be predictably unpredictable, but British summer can always be relied upon to bring us a host of decent films. Here are five to catch for when the rain is pouring and you've tired of tennis.

Monsters University

Friday 12^th July

Director: Dan Scanlon

Starring: Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi

It’s been twelve years since Sulley and Mike first appeared on our screens in Monsters, Inc., allowing young fans of that film to grow up and reach a new life stage scarier than any monster: university. In Toy Story 3, Andy’s departure for university was timed just as those of us who grew up with the series were packing our bags, books and saucepans and leaving home ourselves. The result was cinemas full of weeping eighteen year-olds, nostalgic adults, and young children still laughing at Mr Potato Head wobbling about as a tortilla wrap. Hoping to draw a similarly diverse audience, the new prequel goes back to Sulley and Mike’s university days, where their initial impressions of each other are anything but favourable as they learns the tricks of the scare trade. By resorting to familiar characters in a situation now relevant to their old audience, Pixar are playing it safe in a bid to move on from the relative failure of Cars 2 and Brave. Will it be a roaring success or just scarily bad? With Finding Dory in the pipeline, let's hope this new run of sequels live up to expectations.

Despicable Me 2

Friday 28^th June

Director: Chris Renaud and Pierre Coffin

Starring: Steve Carrell, Ken Jeong, Kristen Wiig

Unlike Pixar, Universal waited only three years to release a sequel to their surprise hit Despicable Me, in which super villain Gru (voiced by Steve Carrell) found himself adopting three orphans in a bid to outdo his arch nemesis Vector (Jason Segel) by becoming the most notorious force of evil in the world. The whacky plot, witty script and fabulously memorable characters produced one of those rare films that makes you laugh more than is strictly appropriate in a public setting, and leaves you wondering what happens next. Now Gru and his dysfunctional crew are back, including the scene-stealing, dungaree-clad minions, but this time he’s using his evil skills for good, working with the Anti-Villain League to save the world. It’s a tall order, but if the sequel can produce the same high quality, quirky humour, we’re in for a treat.

Man of Steel

Friday 14^th June

Director: Zack Snyder

Starring: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Russell Crowe, Michael Shannon

Following Chris Nolan’s moody Batman reboot, superhero films are no longer just fast, fun, quip-filled epics. Now, it’s all about the angst and burden that comes with having awesome powers. Traditionally, Superman has always been the ultimate good guy, unfailingly moral and bordering on indestructible, so naturally everyone scoffed at the thought of this primary-colour-clad icon as a troubled, isolated figure. And then the trailers came out, and we all stopped laughing and stared open-mouthed at a stubble-bedecked Superman apparently working on an oilrig. We may even have drooled a little. But we certainly put aside our doubts and got on board. Let’s hope it’s as tough as the name suggests.

The Bling Ring

Friday 5^th July

Director: Sophia Coppola

Starring: Emma Watson, Katie Chang, Israel Broussard

If the plot wasn’t based on real events, it would sound too ridiculous for a film. Fascinated with the hedonistic celebrity lifestyle that surrounds them, a group of wealthy LA teens decide to literally bag themselves a piece of it, by burgling the homes of the rich and famous. Having proved she can actually act in last year’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Emma Watson continues in her mission to shed her Harry Potter image as one of the bad girl burglars. However, early reviews are commending the performances of the relative unknowns who make up the gang, particularly Katie Chang and Israel Broussard. The gang’s obsession with fame, and their use of social media and the internet to target their victims makes for a pertinent look at the attractions and issues of modern celebrity culture.  

Now You See Me

Wednesday 3^rd July

Director: Louis Leterrier

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Morgan Freeman, Woody Harrelson

Let’s forget that Movie 43 has conclusively proved that a talented cast does not guarantee a great film, and ogle what has got to be one of the best line ups this year. The dream team includes rising stars Isla Fisher, Dave Franco (James’ younger brother), and Jesse Eisenberg (yes, he’s definitely there somewhere behind the beard), alongside reliable regulars Woody Harrelson and Mark Ruffalo, and acting heavyweights Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine. Apparently burglars are the fashionable profession this summer: this gang relies not on the magic of the internet, but of, er, magic, to rob banks, giving their ill-gotten gains to their audiences in a charming Robin Hood-esque gesture. A weird meeting of The Prestige and Hustle, don’t expect subtlety, but marvel instead at the sorcery on offer in this summer blockbuster.

The World’s End

Friday 19^th July

Director: Edgar Wright

Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Rosamund Pike

The third and possibly final collaboration between Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz writers Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright sees a group of old friends reunite in their home town to finish off a bar crawl started years before. However, judging by the huge explosions and glowing blue eyes observable in the trailer, all is not what it seems. Former collaborator Nick Frost is back, along with Martin Freeman, Paddy Considine and Eddie Marson, who head a stellar British cast. Judging by previous offerings, we can look forward to loopy characters, brilliant humour, true bromance and plenty of melodramatic action sequences.

Does Gru make you grin, or do you like Mike? Magic fan or man of steel? Share your thoughts and the films you're looking forward to in the comments below. Make sure that cinema trip happens, and send a subtle hint to your friends by sharing this post on Twitter or Facebook, and follow the blog for more film articles, summer posts and general snippets of joy.

A Crime of Fashion: Five trends that need to be arrested

Clearly a terrible idea. 

Everyone knows that fashion is supposed to be a bit obscure; like a hipster’s music taste, the whole point is that only a few understand and recognise genius, while the rest of us are confused. However, while I am generally willing to defer to the experts, there are some popular fashion trends floating down the street and in fancy photo shoots that someone needs to question.

Clear bags

A fascination with the hidden workings of daily objects has a lead to a whole load of transparent merchandise, from clocks to remote controls and even this toaster. However, while watching the cogs turn or the toast brown bright might be considered legitimately interesting, at least for five minutes, providing the same access to the contents of your handbag is asking for trouble. For starters, you’re putting your valuables on display, effectively showing potential thieves the exact net worth of your possessions, and their location, saving them from rooting around and coming up with an old piece of gum stuck to a nail file.

On this note, there’s a reason that handbags have long been considered an intensely private space, into which no one may enter without a stern background check and written permission. Suddenly the old chocolate bar wrappers, hairclips and random pieces of paper that clutter bags everywhere are on display, not to mention anything you would usually shove in a discreet sidepocket. My problem is not a 1950’s-esque need to protect men’s delicate sensibilities, but rather that I don’t feel the need to make the contents of my bag, and by extension my life, public knowledge. On the bright side, you’ll never have to rummage blindly for your keys again, since you and everyone else will be able to spot them, nestled between the tampon, the banana peel and the empty Canesten box.   

Leather

Suddenly a trend formerly reserved for sofas, car seats and Hell’s Angels has become mainstream, with everyone donning chic cow skin creations, or at least cheaper imitations. With the introduction of this fabric into the fashion fold, pretty designs were transformed into something resembling alarming, squeaky bondage gear. Making a leather skater skirt is like building a castle out of marshmallows; both have their place, but mix them together and you’ve got a sticky mess that serves no one’s purpose.

Speaking of sticky, let us consult the faithful guide that can always be relied upon in times of crisis. No, not Google, Friends. Surely anyone who witnessed Ross’s desperate struggle with his leather trousers should have been warned off the demon fabric forever. Granted, a leather jacket can look pretty cool, although there’s still a risk that you’ll end up looking like a Neo-wannabe. Leather may seem like a good idea, but if we’re really honest, cows taste better in burgers than they look as trousers.

Leggings as trousers

Never acceptable, particularly during yoga. Like nose picking and masturbation, if you have to do it, do it in the privacy of your own home. For further ranting on this topic, indulge some shameless self-promotion and see my previous post here.

Flip flops

Undoubtedly the comfort shoe of choice on those special days when the sun makes a tentative appearance, sending temperatures dangerously close to ten degrees, and us palid, sickly-looking ones scurrying to the nearest patch of grass. However, while they may be fine for padding around the pool, walk for more than thirty seconds and the pain begins. The strap digs into your poor, unsuspecting foot, viciously slicing the tender skin between big toe and, er, index toe. In an effort to alleviate the pressure, you instinctively try to grip on to the flimsy fabric with your toes, giving your foot the appearance of a gargoyle’s claw, but in vain. Meanwhile, your ankle is thudding against hard concrete with no support, feeling every slight bump in the pavement like a piece of Lego left on the floor.

Twenty eight minutes later, you’ve arrived at a destination that normally requires a ten minute stroll, with deformed toes, bleeding feet and sore ankles. What’s more, every painful step is accompanied by a sound similar to that of a pancake being thrown against a wall, which, while initially charming, now sounds like a mocking laugh, taunting you for buying into this painful fad. To add insult to injury, you’ve just noticed how pale and extraordinarily hairy your ruined feet are. When you’ve finally hobbled home, the devil shoes go straight in the bin, only for you to spend the rest of summer watching others look blissfully summery with their smug tiny tan line and ventilated feet. Next year rolls around, and you find yourself standing in front of the latest batch, thinking ‘These ones will be different.’ Run far away, while you still can.

Onesies

Effectively a babygro for adults, these monstrosities are possibly the most inexplicably popular trend of all time. In a move that would surely interest Freud, everyone is reverting back to childhood in their search for comforting, all-engulfing warmth. I understand comfort: I have a pair of Ugg-style boots that make Crocs look classy but which fit like a glove, feel like a furry sleeping bag, and were sent straight from heaven via the ugly tree. However, the warmth factor is greatly reduced as an excuse when you realise that upon arriving in the arctic conditions of the bathroom in the dead of a snowy March night, you will have to remove half of your protective layer of clothing in order to get down to business, thereby rendering it not only ugly but pointless.

The only plausible explanation for these creations is that they can feasibly serve as a cheap fancy dress costume. Why spend money on an overpriced wig and an eye patch when you can buy a pirate onesie for the cost of a small Starbucks beverage? Put this little thing called dignity aside, and there’s no reason. Just don’t ever be tempted to wear it beyond your front door.

Five little lifts of last week

Rex was not happy with the prices in the gift shop.

Sunny delight

Don’t look now, but a certain big, bright, shiny thing has returned to our skies from its winter holidays. Expect lots of half-naked pasty people spread around the parks and beaches of England, making the most of the sixteen degree heat wave. In the mean time, I will be sporting a pair of giant, pink sixties-style sunglasses which look ridiculous but make me feel like I’m in Mad Men. Roll on summer.

Mmm, donut pyjamas

While pyjamas for donuts would be adorable, if a little tricky to pull off, I am referring to blue pyjama trousers in a donut print you could just devour. While they’re perfect for ‘vegging out,’ carrot-print pyjamas are just not as relaxing as those covered in desserts, even if it does make you feel a bit peckish. There's something cosy about donuts, which explains why they're called comfort food.

Digging up the Jurassic Park DVD

Not only did these films teach us valuable life lessons, such as how to make dinosaurs, don’t go in the long grass, and T-rex can’t see you if you don’t move, but they were fantastic entertainment. Suddenly the terrible lizards in picture books were not just vague myths akin to unicorns and clowns, but living and breathing monsters capable of destroying cities. My interest in palaeontology may have ultimately proved short-lived, but the tenseness and magic of this classic trilogy remains preserved throughout the years.

Hot mess

As I’ve mentioned on this blog before, I have a deep and abiding love of making, baking and especially eating brownies. Even when they go wrong, they taste fantastic, and my latest batch went horribly, oozily, beautifully wrong. In Year 5, I wrote a story about a woman who caused an explosion when she put too much baking powder in her Christmas pudding. I can now confirm that baking powder doesn’t do this (for anyone left wondering), but putting three times the amount in does have some interesting effects. They weren’t brownies so much as a massive mess of gooey chocolate. With peanut M&Ms. And marshmallows. And white chocolate chunks. Best mistake ever.

Reading Rehab

Once upon a time, I could curl up with a book and be satisfied for hours. Jump to the end of my literature degree, and even looking at a book that doesn’t require long hours of making notes, reading critical work and crafting essays makes me feel guilty. This week, I entered book rehab, and while it’s been slow progress, when I reached the end of  Junot Diaz’s This is How You Lose Her, I was greeted with the familiar warm glow that comes with learning the twists and turns of a new story. Although I am now an abhorrent book snob, my degree has made me better able to appreciate the nuances of a well-written book. You could say that this is a new chapter in my reading experience. But that would be corny.

Five essential components of a Christmas film

Whether it's a classic or a cheesy treat, everyone has a Christmas film of choice. The shops may have been playing carols since August, but now that those first few advent calendar windows have been ripped open it's truly time to indulge. Deck the halls, grab a mince pie, and see how many of these essentials your festive favourite features.

"And you're sure that a sleigh is covered by an automatic licence?"

Family fun. Like it or not, Christmas is a time for family. Whether arguing bitterly, screwing each other’s partners or discovering the true spirit of Christmas, families are often the ribbon that holds Christmas movies together.

Let it snow, man. Christmas is no time for rain, dear. However unreflective it may be of real life, we expect snow in Christmas movies. We want those shots of snow-covered hills bedecked with snowmen and sledding children, because snow is marvellous and beautiful when there is a TV screen between it and us. We can smugly turn up the fire and peek out from a duvet at the characters in the cold, safe in the knowledge that it won’t be us clearing the driveway tonight.

The knitwear before Christmas. Of course our intrepid characters need something to protect them from all that snow, and as the temperatures drop the gloves, scarves and lumpy woolly jumpers come out. Bonus points if any piece of attire has a reindeer on it. Triple points for bobbles.

Crazy stupid love. The brother of the woman whose house you’re borrowing? Naturally. The guy with stationery instead of hands who your mum has semi-adopted? Why not. Your Portuguese housekeeper with whom you have no way to communicate barring hand gestures and broken English? Meant to be. All that mistletoe seems to go to people’s heads, resulting in some highly implausible relationships. When the wrapping paper is in the bin, the Christmas pudding has been turned to crumbs and the hangover sets in, the tree has a better chance of lasting through the New Year than some of these movie couples.

Get your Santa Claus out. Surely the oldest character in movie history, Santa is sure to add a festive feel to any film. Well, any film in which he’s not played by Billy Bob Thornton.

Five things to do during a power cut

Dreading the next time a blackout leaves your evening plans in ruins? Here are five power cut-proof activities to keep you entertained.

Light candles. Usually left untouched in the back of the Messy Draw, the humble candle is undoubtedly the hero of the blackout. Suddenly that lavender scented beauty you received two Christmases ago seems like the most thoughtful gift ever. Now if only you could find the matches...

Play board games. The TV won’t work? The internet is down? What fresh hell is this? For those of you who have yet to discover the joy and bloodlust that result from a highly competitive round of Articulate, prepare to forget all about the delights of Don’t Tell the Bride and find your fighting spirit next blackout.  

Jump out on people. Surely the first course of action when darkness suddenly descends: added points if you can include a torch-under-the-chin stunt in your performance. Win bragging rights forever if the neighbours come running, but fair warning: expect a cold and calculated revenge.

Save the ice cream. Power-less Ben & Jerry’s fans: your frozen goods need you. The fish fingers and pizza might be out of the question, but grab a spoon and don’t let the ice cream go to waste. So what if the power came back half an hour ago? These things can be temperamental, so better finish it just to be sure. If you want to be extra resourceful, use the frozen peas to soothe the lumps induced by bumping into things while you were stumbling round in the dark looking for the candles.

Tell ghost stories. The TV won't wake up and all the Monopoly money has vanished: time to revert to practically prehistoric forms of entertainment. If you can’t think of any ghost stories of your own, simply summarise a classic film or book. Can't remember it all? Improvise: who says that The Shining wouldn't have been improved by ten foot clowns with bat wings? Just be sure to remember that while seeing your housemates trembling in terror may seem fun at the time, you’ve got to go to bed in total darkness too.

Five films to see in November

Nothing beats the cinema for escapism: it's full of tension, romance and drama, and it's even indoors. As temperatures and the number of daylight hours drop, take solace in five fantastic films.

Rust and Bone

Friday 2^nd November

Director: Jacques Audiard

Starring: Marion Cotillard, Matthias Schoenaerts, Fabien Baïardi

What better credentials can a film have to offer than Marion Cotillard, a dramatic love story and killer whales? Maybe the accolade of ‘Best Film’ from the BFI Film Festival and a nomination for this year’s Palme d’Or. Cotillard plays Stephanie, a killer whale trainer who grows close to reckless single dad Ali (Belgian heartthrob Matthias Schoenaerts) after a terrible accident. Most reviews are overwhelmingly positive, with some labelling Cotillard as an early Oscar contender, so bone up on your French or grab your reading glasses for this gritty and compelling drama.

Argo

Wednesday 7^th November

Director: Ben Affleck

Starring: Bryan Cranston, Ben Affleck, John Goodman

Directed by and starring a heavily bearded Ben Affleck, Argo is based on the true story of an attempt to pass off six American diplomats stuck in Tehran during the 1979 Iran hostage crisis as a Canadian film crew working on a sci-fi. Argo has been reviewed as a tense thriller with moments of dark humour, all of which sounds right up the street of a cast that includes Bryan Cranston, John Goodman and Alan Arkin.

The Sapphires

Wednesday 7^th November

Director: Wayne Blair

Starring: Chris O’Dowd, Deborah Mailman, Jessica Mauboy

If all of this seems a bit intense, try this comedic gem. Also inspired by a true story, The Sapphires follows a quartet of Aboriginal Australian singers, and their well-meaning Irish manager (Chris O’Dowd), who go from country girls to soul stars as they find themselves entertaining troops embroiled in the Vietnam War. It may not be the next Apocalypse Now (which is probably a good thing), but this has been praised as a film with a heart behind the humour.

Skyfall

Friday 26^th October

Director: Sam Mendes

Starring: Daniel Craig, Javier Bardem, Judi Dench

Yes, technically this came out in October, but there are probably quite a few of us already queuing up to relive it again. While the beginning frequently slips into predictable Bond territory (think superficial 'Bond girls' and implausible action sequences), the arrival of Javier Bardem’s brilliantly creepy villain marks this as a move away from the cheesy spy thrillers of the past and as an intelligent and gripping film in its own right.

The Master

Friday 2^nd November

Director: Paul Thomas Anderson

Starring: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Phoenix, Amy Adams

Any film starring Philip Seymour Hoffman as a cult leader and Joaquin Phoenix as his dedicated disciple has to be worth a watch, particularly one written and directed by Paul Thomas Anderson. With the performances from the two leads and Anderson’s direction already receiving rave reviews, one of the year’s most highly anticipated films is building up quite a following.

Five things I have learned this week

Kids did not embrace the vegetarian alternative to Ronald McDonald.

Always read the label. When a care label on an item of clothing reads ‘hand wash only’, you should respect this advice. After feeling a kind of rebellious pride as I chucked that favoured top in the washing machine, I’m left with a garment suitable only for a very stylish toddler.

Maps are not my friends. Maps can be wonderful things, but, like black eye shadow and lightsabres, in the wrong hands they can lead to disaster. In my hands, for example, a map can lead to a short cut becoming a rather long detour round some beautifully autumnal trees, and, upon consultation with someone who knows where they are, a headache-inducing sprint in the opposite direction.

Carrots used to be purple. Apparently, the Dutch decided that they wanted their carrots to match their national colours, and introduced the orange variety to the Western world.

A hole in a handbag is a hole in the head. Wishful thinking and procrastination will not fix the hole in the lining of your handbag. Furthermore, important objects such as your keys and phone will continue to fall through it and prompt moments of blind panic, while relatively replaceable objects like hairclips and sticks of gum will remain where you left them.

The definition of 'kiki', according to the Scissor Sisters. For the uninitiated, a 'kiki' is a party thrown for the express purpose of letting off steam after a rough day. It may involve locking doors, lowering blinds, firing up a smoke machine, putting on heels and spilling tea. It is also important to note that once you have listened to this song once you may need to throw a kiki to release the stress built up by having it playing in your mind all day.