A Crime of Fashion: Five trends that need to be arrested

Clearly a terrible idea. 

Everyone knows that fashion is supposed to be a bit obscure; like a hipster’s music taste, the whole point is that only a few understand and recognise genius, while the rest of us are confused. However, while I am generally willing to defer to the experts, there are some popular fashion trends floating down the street and in fancy photo shoots that someone needs to question.

Clear bags

A fascination with the hidden workings of daily objects has a lead to a whole load of transparent merchandise, from clocks to remote controls and even this toaster. However, while watching the cogs turn or the toast brown bright might be considered legitimately interesting, at least for five minutes, providing the same access to the contents of your handbag is asking for trouble. For starters, you’re putting your valuables on display, effectively showing potential thieves the exact net worth of your possessions, and their location, saving them from rooting around and coming up with an old piece of gum stuck to a nail file.

On this note, there’s a reason that handbags have long been considered an intensely private space, into which no one may enter without a stern background check and written permission. Suddenly the old chocolate bar wrappers, hairclips and random pieces of paper that clutter bags everywhere are on display, not to mention anything you would usually shove in a discreet sidepocket. My problem is not a 1950’s-esque need to protect men’s delicate sensibilities, but rather that I don’t feel the need to make the contents of my bag, and by extension my life, public knowledge. On the bright side, you’ll never have to rummage blindly for your keys again, since you and everyone else will be able to spot them, nestled between the tampon, the banana peel and the empty Canesten box.   

Leather

Suddenly a trend formerly reserved for sofas, car seats and Hell’s Angels has become mainstream, with everyone donning chic cow skin creations, or at least cheaper imitations. With the introduction of this fabric into the fashion fold, pretty designs were transformed into something resembling alarming, squeaky bondage gear. Making a leather skater skirt is like building a castle out of marshmallows; both have their place, but mix them together and you’ve got a sticky mess that serves no one’s purpose.

Speaking of sticky, let us consult the faithful guide that can always be relied upon in times of crisis. No, not Google, Friends. Surely anyone who witnessed Ross’s desperate struggle with his leather trousers should have been warned off the demon fabric forever. Granted, a leather jacket can look pretty cool, although there’s still a risk that you’ll end up looking like a Neo-wannabe. Leather may seem like a good idea, but if we’re really honest, cows taste better in burgers than they look as trousers.

Leggings as trousers

Never acceptable, particularly during yoga. Like nose picking and masturbation, if you have to do it, do it in the privacy of your own home. For further ranting on this topic, indulge some shameless self-promotion and see my previous post here.

Flip flops

Undoubtedly the comfort shoe of choice on those special days when the sun makes a tentative appearance, sending temperatures dangerously close to ten degrees, and us palid, sickly-looking ones scurrying to the nearest patch of grass. However, while they may be fine for padding around the pool, walk for more than thirty seconds and the pain begins. The strap digs into your poor, unsuspecting foot, viciously slicing the tender skin between big toe and, er, index toe. In an effort to alleviate the pressure, you instinctively try to grip on to the flimsy fabric with your toes, giving your foot the appearance of a gargoyle’s claw, but in vain. Meanwhile, your ankle is thudding against hard concrete with no support, feeling every slight bump in the pavement like a piece of Lego left on the floor.

Twenty eight minutes later, you’ve arrived at a destination that normally requires a ten minute stroll, with deformed toes, bleeding feet and sore ankles. What’s more, every painful step is accompanied by a sound similar to that of a pancake being thrown against a wall, which, while initially charming, now sounds like a mocking laugh, taunting you for buying into this painful fad. To add insult to injury, you’ve just noticed how pale and extraordinarily hairy your ruined feet are. When you’ve finally hobbled home, the devil shoes go straight in the bin, only for you to spend the rest of summer watching others look blissfully summery with their smug tiny tan line and ventilated feet. Next year rolls around, and you find yourself standing in front of the latest batch, thinking ‘These ones will be different.’ Run far away, while you still can.

Onesies

Effectively a babygro for adults, these monstrosities are possibly the most inexplicably popular trend of all time. In a move that would surely interest Freud, everyone is reverting back to childhood in their search for comforting, all-engulfing warmth. I understand comfort: I have a pair of Ugg-style boots that make Crocs look classy but which fit like a glove, feel like a furry sleeping bag, and were sent straight from heaven via the ugly tree. However, the warmth factor is greatly reduced as an excuse when you realise that upon arriving in the arctic conditions of the bathroom in the dead of a snowy March night, you will have to remove half of your protective layer of clothing in order to get down to business, thereby rendering it not only ugly but pointless.

The only plausible explanation for these creations is that they can feasibly serve as a cheap fancy dress costume. Why spend money on an overpriced wig and an eye patch when you can buy a pirate onesie for the cost of a small Starbucks beverage? Put this little thing called dignity aside, and there’s no reason. Just don’t ever be tempted to wear it beyond your front door.