Running with it: a novice runner's revelation

'Attention please, this is a platform alteration...'

It’s 6:15am, and the only people around town are either being paid to be there, or are on their way to be paid to be somewhere else. Most other people of sound mind are either sleeping or hunched zombie-like over breakfast, attempting to conjure up semblance of consciousness from their cornflakes. This just leaves the runners, bootcampers and cyclists who have dragged themselves out of bed, shoved their sleep-deprived bodies into Lycra and pushed them out the door for a dose of early morning exercise. To my shock and occasional horror, I am now one of this mad part of the population.

I’ve had an on-off relationship with running, mostly off. There were the PE lessons when we were sent to shiver or sweat a few laps around the track in the name of the curriculum and my school’s ‘Sports Mark Gold’ status. Then there was a fairly steady period in the Easter term of my first year at uni, which saw me doggedly running round the lake, being casually overtaken by lean and limber athletes while I tried to make it through one Killers track without having a heart attack. Sadly, a summer job as a chambermaid put paid to any serious fitness ambitions, since after a day of making beds, cleanings rooms and pushing a trolley the weight of a baby elephant around, I could barely drag my body to the fridge let alone put in a couple of miles of running. Seriously, chambermaids are the secret superheroes of the service industry. But that’s a post for another time.

Then, finally, there was a ‘Stress Run’ in January. Facing the potent combination of a 12,000 word dissertation and a recent break-up, all set in the arctic conditions of a student house, I snapped, dug out some antique trainers, a hoody and woolly hat, and threw myself down the street with a playlist of angsty lovelorn songs for company. I charged along for about three and a half minutes before heartburn set in. Love hurts.

Interestingly, it was stress that sent me running this time, too. My dad had just brought me back from university for the last time, leaving behind my friends, my independence, and the life I had spent three years building. I stood in my room, staring at the blank walls and piles of boxes, grabbed the same old antique trainers and decided to run it out. So off I went, down the roads I’d run during the aforementioned Easter sessions. Except that instead of getting round the route once and collapsing, as anticipated, I kept going. And going. And going. And then I ran home and collapsed. Looking back now, I only ran about two miles, but for someone who had taken weeks to get past five minutes several years before, this newfound fitness was enough to make me go out again. The challenge of improving gave me something to focus on, when everything else seemed to be covered in a fog.

Although I’ve only been going for a few weeks, I have learned a lot from running. Some of it is practical, and some of it is personal. For example, I still believe that Lycra was invented for currently fit people to show off their current fitness, and that joggers are just as good, but I have discarded my antique trainers for a pair of shiny pink running shoes. The noticeable difference led my poor feet to break into a totally involuntary jig. While we’re talking about feet, I now also understand terms like over-pronation (when the arch of your foot rolls inwards as you walk) and, unfortunately, plantar fasciitis (inflammation of the tissue or ligaments in the bottom of your foot. It really sucks, but more on that later.)

However, at the risk of sounding like a coach addressing his underdog team in a sports films, the most important lessons I have learned from running have been the ones that taught me something about myself. To get out of bed, throw on your shiny pink running shoes and boldly declare your intention to run or keel over trying is to take charge of your own body and your own goals. No matter what else is going on in your life, you have the opportunity to challenge yourself to improve at something. When I’m running, I am the one who has to push myself up that hill, to the next tree, all the way home, in thirty degrees or pouring rain. Thus, when it goes right, I can look back and see that yes, that bit where the guy with the zimmerframe overtook me was hard going, but I got through it, and I did it on my own. Of course, when it goes wrong, I’m also the one who has to pick myself up (sometimes literally) and agree that it will go better next time, but that’s part of taking responsibility for achieving my own aims.

Having decided to challenge yourself, you can always go further than you think. There’s a particular road on my regular route that I dread because it’s the point where images of myself walking home in the rain, with aching legs and the embarrassment of failure start floating before my eyes. But even as I picture this, my legs are still going (even if it’s at a speed that means snails are getting impatient with me) and eventually I catch a second wind (though it’s more likely endorphins). Not only will I get to where I planned, but the sense that I’ve triumphed over adversity means that my slightly disbelieving self, marvelling that my legs are, in fact, still moving beneath me, will possibly continue to run further than I planned.

While it’s important to push yourself, you also need to listen to your body. I don’t mean stop running the moment something starts complaining that this is all too much, and it would really rather go back to bed with a giant plate of eggs on toast and a bucket of tea, thanks. There are times when your brain needs to tell your body to stop whining and keep moving. Or to get up off the pavement or road and get running again. There are other times, however, when you need to allow it to have a rest. I learnt this the hard way, when my sudden surge in activity and some poorly chosen footwear landed me with the aforementioned plantar fasciitis.

It may sound like a plant species bred by Nazis, or maybe a planet from a sci-fi film, but it’s actually a painful condition in your foot. To get some idea, imagine there’s a piece of very tight elastic starting in your heel and running the length of your sole. Every time this elastic is forced to stretch (so when you walk or dare to move your foot too fast), it feels like someone is stabbing all along your sole with something pointy. At this point, you have to accept that no matter how much you might like to be out there, sweating and aching and red-faced,  you need to take care of this first. Running has taught me to appreciate my body as a pretty awesome machine, capable of more than it’s been given credit for, but also that in order to keep it, er, running well, I also need to give it attention, rest and scrambled eggs on toast.

In the last few weeks, I’ve transformed from a running novice with antique trainers and no clue to a running novice with shiny pink running trainers and a new perspective on what I can achieve. It’s hard, and there are times in every run where I want to stop, but the sense of control and achievement that comes when I don’t makes it worthwhile. If I, who couldn’t run through ‘Human’, can learn to run solidly for fifty minutes, there’s a good chance that anyone else with two working legs and reasonable health (and many without these) can too. There is a method to the 6am madness, so postpone the cornflakes, dig out some shoes, and run with it.

If this post got your mind racing (or just thinking it was fairly good) and you think your friends would enjoy it too, don't forget to hit the Google plus button below, and to share on Twitter and Facebook. Think of it as passing on the baton in a relay, except you can do it from the sofa. Don't drop the baton, guys.

Five must-see films of summer 2013

The weather may be predictably unpredictable, but British summer can always be relied upon to bring us a host of decent films. Here are five to catch for when the rain is pouring and you've tired of tennis.

Monsters University

Friday 12^th July

Director: Dan Scanlon

Starring: Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi

It’s been twelve years since Sulley and Mike first appeared on our screens in Monsters, Inc., allowing young fans of that film to grow up and reach a new life stage scarier than any monster: university. In Toy Story 3, Andy’s departure for university was timed just as those of us who grew up with the series were packing our bags, books and saucepans and leaving home ourselves. The result was cinemas full of weeping eighteen year-olds, nostalgic adults, and young children still laughing at Mr Potato Head wobbling about as a tortilla wrap. Hoping to draw a similarly diverse audience, the new prequel goes back to Sulley and Mike’s university days, where their initial impressions of each other are anything but favourable as they learns the tricks of the scare trade. By resorting to familiar characters in a situation now relevant to their old audience, Pixar are playing it safe in a bid to move on from the relative failure of Cars 2 and Brave. Will it be a roaring success or just scarily bad? With Finding Dory in the pipeline, let's hope this new run of sequels live up to expectations.

Despicable Me 2

Friday 28^th June

Director: Chris Renaud and Pierre Coffin

Starring: Steve Carrell, Ken Jeong, Kristen Wiig

Unlike Pixar, Universal waited only three years to release a sequel to their surprise hit Despicable Me, in which super villain Gru (voiced by Steve Carrell) found himself adopting three orphans in a bid to outdo his arch nemesis Vector (Jason Segel) by becoming the most notorious force of evil in the world. The whacky plot, witty script and fabulously memorable characters produced one of those rare films that makes you laugh more than is strictly appropriate in a public setting, and leaves you wondering what happens next. Now Gru and his dysfunctional crew are back, including the scene-stealing, dungaree-clad minions, but this time he’s using his evil skills for good, working with the Anti-Villain League to save the world. It’s a tall order, but if the sequel can produce the same high quality, quirky humour, we’re in for a treat.

Man of Steel

Friday 14^th June

Director: Zack Snyder

Starring: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Russell Crowe, Michael Shannon

Following Chris Nolan’s moody Batman reboot, superhero films are no longer just fast, fun, quip-filled epics. Now, it’s all about the angst and burden that comes with having awesome powers. Traditionally, Superman has always been the ultimate good guy, unfailingly moral and bordering on indestructible, so naturally everyone scoffed at the thought of this primary-colour-clad icon as a troubled, isolated figure. And then the trailers came out, and we all stopped laughing and stared open-mouthed at a stubble-bedecked Superman apparently working on an oilrig. We may even have drooled a little. But we certainly put aside our doubts and got on board. Let’s hope it’s as tough as the name suggests.

The Bling Ring

Friday 5^th July

Director: Sophia Coppola

Starring: Emma Watson, Katie Chang, Israel Broussard

If the plot wasn’t based on real events, it would sound too ridiculous for a film. Fascinated with the hedonistic celebrity lifestyle that surrounds them, a group of wealthy LA teens decide to literally bag themselves a piece of it, by burgling the homes of the rich and famous. Having proved she can actually act in last year’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Emma Watson continues in her mission to shed her Harry Potter image as one of the bad girl burglars. However, early reviews are commending the performances of the relative unknowns who make up the gang, particularly Katie Chang and Israel Broussard. The gang’s obsession with fame, and their use of social media and the internet to target their victims makes for a pertinent look at the attractions and issues of modern celebrity culture.  

Now You See Me

Wednesday 3^rd July

Director: Louis Leterrier

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Morgan Freeman, Woody Harrelson

Let’s forget that Movie 43 has conclusively proved that a talented cast does not guarantee a great film, and ogle what has got to be one of the best line ups this year. The dream team includes rising stars Isla Fisher, Dave Franco (James’ younger brother), and Jesse Eisenberg (yes, he’s definitely there somewhere behind the beard), alongside reliable regulars Woody Harrelson and Mark Ruffalo, and acting heavyweights Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine. Apparently burglars are the fashionable profession this summer: this gang relies not on the magic of the internet, but of, er, magic, to rob banks, giving their ill-gotten gains to their audiences in a charming Robin Hood-esque gesture. A weird meeting of The Prestige and Hustle, don’t expect subtlety, but marvel instead at the sorcery on offer in this summer blockbuster.

The World’s End

Friday 19^th July

Director: Edgar Wright

Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Rosamund Pike

The third and possibly final collaboration between Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz writers Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright sees a group of old friends reunite in their home town to finish off a bar crawl started years before. However, judging by the huge explosions and glowing blue eyes observable in the trailer, all is not what it seems. Former collaborator Nick Frost is back, along with Martin Freeman, Paddy Considine and Eddie Marson, who head a stellar British cast. Judging by previous offerings, we can look forward to loopy characters, brilliant humour, true bromance and plenty of melodramatic action sequences.

Does Gru make you grin, or do you like Mike? Magic fan or man of steel? Share your thoughts and the films you're looking forward to in the comments below. Make sure that cinema trip happens, and send a subtle hint to your friends by sharing this post on Twitter or Facebook, and follow the blog for more film articles, summer posts and general snippets of joy.

Banana and Chocolate Muffins

You'd be bananas not to try one.

Finishing your degree can be kind of bleak. After months of living, breathing and occasionally fighting the urge to shred your dissertation, you are left with nothing, kicked out from the comfort of the education system and marooned on an island with only a bit of paper and better-than-average knowledge of American literature for company. There’s a whole wide world out there, but you can’t reach it, and no one seems to care that you’re jumping up and down in the sand, waving your paper and shouting insightful facts about Hawthorne, Twain and Franklin.

And then there’s cake. You gather the ingredients, you mix them and mash them and bake them, and then, when the timer bleeps, you are left with a tangible, edible product of your labours. Cake is calming. Cake is reliable. Cake won’t desert you. Well, that’s not true. I can name three baking disasters that have happened to me in recent history. The point is that when it comes to cake, if you focus, work carefully and follow the magic (or rather, scientific) recipe, you are guaranteed to get out what you put in, except that it will now be delicious, and people will certainly take notice.

Muffins are a nice kind of cake to make. They are versatile but aren’t complicated, and they offer a no-nonsense hit of satisfying richness that delicate cupcakes just don’t match. Also, as with deep fat fryers and pancakes, if you put fruit in muffins, you can pretend they’re healthy. With this line of argument in mind, I put a lot of extra banana into these banana and chocolate chip muffins.

Until recently, I hated bananas in their original form, but it turns out that I love mashing them up. There’s something disturbingly satisfying about squishing bananas into a squidgy pulp, and it should definitely be included in any form of stress therapy. Aside from looking for an excuse to indulge my new hobby, I remembered that the last time I made these muffins, I was disappointed to find that there wasn’t a strong banana flavour, which is sort of crucial. I also added extra vanilla essence to really make sure the batter wasn’t bland.

The original recipe was for cinnamon and banana muffins, but that seemed far too grown up, practically bordering on healthy. Therefore, instead of two teaspoons of cinnamon, I replaced it with three teaspoons of cocoa powder. I also added a big bag of Cadbury Counters, and when that didn’t look like enough, I chopped up two tubes of Rolos and added those for good measure. The mix ended up being a pretty brown and yellow combination, a bit like a brownie uniform (the small girl, not the cake – cakes are morally opposed to uniforms), and looked almost split. To finish off, I topped each cake with a generous sprinkle of chocolate sugar, partly because I thought it would work well with the flavours, but mostly because that two word combination cannot be wrong when applied to cake.

The sugar didn’t burn, like it usually does, but became a slight crust on the top. The extra banana and vanilla extract made the sponge really moist, almost sticky in your hands. On my third attempt (I’m a dedicated tester), I managed to find a muffin that had no chocolate in it, but I’m hoping I only short-changed myself. The caramel in the sweets went gooey when it melted, adding another sugary flavour to the banana and chocolate.

In the midst of uncertainty, these muffins came out just right, despite the liberties I took with the recipe, and the bad luck I’ve had with the baking gods recently. Let’s hope my academic future is just as sweet.

For more banana-based foods, check out this recent recipe post.

Got a brilliant banana recipe, fact or experience to shout about? Don't burst (it can happen), write it in the comments section instead. Feel free to share the banana love by sharing this post on Twitter and Facebook, and to follow me for more posts on food and other important life stuff.

They're so appealing: simple and delicious banana recipes

I have recently had a food epiphany. For the first twenty two and a half years of my life, I thought bananas were an evil joke. This was due mostly to that horrible texture: not quite mushy, not quite rigid, sort of creamy but not runny, and with tiny seeds you can taste but not see – this has to be an alien food sent to confuse us. However, after trying them in smaller portions and mixed with other ingredients, I found that they are more like a friend with a great sense of humour and good heart, once you get past the fact they like Avatar and occasionally wear corduroy. In short, it’s worth overlooking that funky banana texture in order to access that exotic, classic, versatile flavour. If you’re still a sceptic, here are some simple recipes to embrace banana.

Blended

Probably the easiest way to enjoy a banana without having to deal with the texture, blending removes this problem by breaking down the confused mushy stiffness into a recognisable liquid state that only gives you the flavour. If you’re feeling virtuous, make a smoothie by mixing your banana with your favourite fruit and apple juice, and blending until it is fairly thick but looks like something you could drink without choking. For dessert, add banana to a generous portion of ice cream and a splash of milk (or the other way if you like it runny) and blend. For extra indulgence, use chocolate ice cream, or add chocolate sauce or peanut butter before blending.

Banana and Nutella toasty

Bangers and mash, peanut butter and jam, cheese and toast: some flavours are just meant to be together so we can eat them and be filled with joy. If you have yet to introduce bananas and Nutella into the same dish, this easy breakfast is a good place to start. Spread the Nutella as thick as you like, add thin slices of banana on top and toast in a toasty maker, or with one of those toasty bags. For extra fruity goodness and more sugar, add strawberries. For extra nuttiness, peanut butter makes a good alternative to Nutella.

BBQ Banana Split

The forks are out, the gloves are on and the air is filled with smoke. Barbeque season is hopefully beginning (cue rain), but meat is no longer the only option on the menu. Leaving the skin on, carefully slice your banana open lengthways without cutting all the way through. Chop some dark chocolate into small pieces, or use dark chocolate chips, and press them into the slit in the banana, making sure not to let your banana split completely. Wrap it up in foil and put it on the BBQ for about five minutes, or until the chocolate is melted and the banana is gooey. You can use milk chocolate if you prefer, and add marshmallows for extra sweetness. Eat straight from the foil, or serve with ice cream.

Pancakes

As we’ve seen, bananas tend to taste better when they’re sliced, heated and surrounded by a dessert-like substance. When it comes to pancakes, you can either go thin and French, adding the sliced banana as a filling and wrapping it up, or thick and American, adding slices to the batter itself. Personally, I prefer the latter, since the bananas get really gooey and sweet. Unfortunately, despite my love of baking and making all things sweet, I have cook’s block when it comes to American-style pancakes. From many experiments, I have found that the best way to achieve those big, fluffy pancakes you see stacked up in American films, such as that adorable scene in Matilda, is to go to Selly Sausage or swallow your pride and any pretention of actually cooking, and to use a readymade pancake mix.

On a side note...

According to this Betty Crocker mix, only girls can make pancakes. Must be something to do with our soft fingers, delicate sensibilities and love of staying in the kitchen. Or maybe it’s to do with gender stereotyping.

Back to the recipe. Ladies and gents, begin by thinly slice your bananas, then follow the instructions on the box to make the mix. Once you’ve added the batter to the frying pan, quickly press the banana slices into the pancake as it fries, obviously being careful not to burn yourself: don’t be a hero, it’s only breakfast. The pancakes taste better if you keep them flat, as this makes them cook more evenly, so use two frying pans if necessary. Once they’re golden brown and cooked through, transfer to a plate, cover in Nutella (if you wish) and gorge. Alternatively, you can put chocolate chips in the mixture with the bananas, but again add them once the batter is in the pan, since mixing them in beforehand makes it harder to get the pancakes flat. Best served with a sea of maple syrup, a hot coffee and a lazy Sunday morning.

Banana Brownies

As this post explains, I am a bit of a brownie fiend. Quick to make, easy to get right and fun to eat, these are the ultimate indulgence with minimum effort. They are also great to experiment with, whether that’s adding marshmallows and/or peanut M&Ms, or making a cheesecake brownie or Smores brownie, like those clever folks at the Hummingbird Bakery. For my banana brownies, I used their basic brownie recipe, mixing in 100g of roughly chopped dark chocolate and three mushed up ripe bananas right at the end.

Have them finished no more than two hours before you need them, and leave them in the tray until right before serving for a warm pudding that goes well with a splash of cream or scoop of ice cream. They also taste great when they’re cold, with that gorgeous gooey centre. Although I’m tempted to play around with the recipe a little more, this is a rich, dense dessert that’s been a favourite with my family.

Banana Cake

Cake makes everything better, including bananas. If you’re looking for something slightly exotic, hummingbird cake is one of my favourite desserts both to make and eat. It contains pineapple, pecans and bananas, and is best finished off with a cream cheese icing and a fork. No hummingbirds should be injured during the making of this cake, and if you do manage to hurt them, you’re doing it wrong.

If you’re craving dessert but not feeling that adventurous, banana muffins are moist, flavoursome and almost healthy. Ahem. They can be flavoured with cinnamon or chocolate, depending on your taste, and a bit of sugar sprinkled on the top creates a slight, sweet crust. Tantalising teaser: expect a future post with a more detailed description of my post-uni adventures in banana muffins. 

A Crime of Fashion: Five trends that need to be arrested

Clearly a terrible idea. 

Everyone knows that fashion is supposed to be a bit obscure; like a hipster’s music taste, the whole point is that only a few understand and recognise genius, while the rest of us are confused. However, while I am generally willing to defer to the experts, there are some popular fashion trends floating down the street and in fancy photo shoots that someone needs to question.

Clear bags

A fascination with the hidden workings of daily objects has a lead to a whole load of transparent merchandise, from clocks to remote controls and even this toaster. However, while watching the cogs turn or the toast brown bright might be considered legitimately interesting, at least for five minutes, providing the same access to the contents of your handbag is asking for trouble. For starters, you’re putting your valuables on display, effectively showing potential thieves the exact net worth of your possessions, and their location, saving them from rooting around and coming up with an old piece of gum stuck to a nail file.

On this note, there’s a reason that handbags have long been considered an intensely private space, into which no one may enter without a stern background check and written permission. Suddenly the old chocolate bar wrappers, hairclips and random pieces of paper that clutter bags everywhere are on display, not to mention anything you would usually shove in a discreet sidepocket. My problem is not a 1950’s-esque need to protect men’s delicate sensibilities, but rather that I don’t feel the need to make the contents of my bag, and by extension my life, public knowledge. On the bright side, you’ll never have to rummage blindly for your keys again, since you and everyone else will be able to spot them, nestled between the tampon, the banana peel and the empty Canesten box.   

Leather

Suddenly a trend formerly reserved for sofas, car seats and Hell’s Angels has become mainstream, with everyone donning chic cow skin creations, or at least cheaper imitations. With the introduction of this fabric into the fashion fold, pretty designs were transformed into something resembling alarming, squeaky bondage gear. Making a leather skater skirt is like building a castle out of marshmallows; both have their place, but mix them together and you’ve got a sticky mess that serves no one’s purpose.

Speaking of sticky, let us consult the faithful guide that can always be relied upon in times of crisis. No, not Google, Friends. Surely anyone who witnessed Ross’s desperate struggle with his leather trousers should have been warned off the demon fabric forever. Granted, a leather jacket can look pretty cool, although there’s still a risk that you’ll end up looking like a Neo-wannabe. Leather may seem like a good idea, but if we’re really honest, cows taste better in burgers than they look as trousers.

Leggings as trousers

Never acceptable, particularly during yoga. Like nose picking and masturbation, if you have to do it, do it in the privacy of your own home. For further ranting on this topic, indulge some shameless self-promotion and see my previous post here.

Flip flops

Undoubtedly the comfort shoe of choice on those special days when the sun makes a tentative appearance, sending temperatures dangerously close to ten degrees, and us palid, sickly-looking ones scurrying to the nearest patch of grass. However, while they may be fine for padding around the pool, walk for more than thirty seconds and the pain begins. The strap digs into your poor, unsuspecting foot, viciously slicing the tender skin between big toe and, er, index toe. In an effort to alleviate the pressure, you instinctively try to grip on to the flimsy fabric with your toes, giving your foot the appearance of a gargoyle’s claw, but in vain. Meanwhile, your ankle is thudding against hard concrete with no support, feeling every slight bump in the pavement like a piece of Lego left on the floor.

Twenty eight minutes later, you’ve arrived at a destination that normally requires a ten minute stroll, with deformed toes, bleeding feet and sore ankles. What’s more, every painful step is accompanied by a sound similar to that of a pancake being thrown against a wall, which, while initially charming, now sounds like a mocking laugh, taunting you for buying into this painful fad. To add insult to injury, you’ve just noticed how pale and extraordinarily hairy your ruined feet are. When you’ve finally hobbled home, the devil shoes go straight in the bin, only for you to spend the rest of summer watching others look blissfully summery with their smug tiny tan line and ventilated feet. Next year rolls around, and you find yourself standing in front of the latest batch, thinking ‘These ones will be different.’ Run far away, while you still can.

Onesies

Effectively a babygro for adults, these monstrosities are possibly the most inexplicably popular trend of all time. In a move that would surely interest Freud, everyone is reverting back to childhood in their search for comforting, all-engulfing warmth. I understand comfort: I have a pair of Ugg-style boots that make Crocs look classy but which fit like a glove, feel like a furry sleeping bag, and were sent straight from heaven via the ugly tree. However, the warmth factor is greatly reduced as an excuse when you realise that upon arriving in the arctic conditions of the bathroom in the dead of a snowy March night, you will have to remove half of your protective layer of clothing in order to get down to business, thereby rendering it not only ugly but pointless.

The only plausible explanation for these creations is that they can feasibly serve as a cheap fancy dress costume. Why spend money on an overpriced wig and an eye patch when you can buy a pirate onesie for the cost of a small Starbucks beverage? Put this little thing called dignity aside, and there’s no reason. Just don’t ever be tempted to wear it beyond your front door.

Film Review: Populaire

Directed by Régis Roinsard

Starring: Romain Duris, Déborah François, Bérénice Bejo

Let’s all forget our unspoken agreement to lie through our teeth in an effort to appear cultured, and admit that if there’s a choice between a subtitled foreign film and one in our native language, the latter will probably win out. It’s not just laziness; subtitles can be problematic from an artistic point of view. Having to constantly read subtitles distracts you from the visuals of the shot, sometimes revealing critical information before the images have had a chance to catch up, and it is often difficult to connect the tone of voice with that big mush of unfathomable words, meaning subtleties of the dialogue go over your head. Ultimately, through no fault of the filmmakers or audience, this disjointed feel means it can be hard to immerse yourself in the world presented by a subtitled foreign film.

Into these reservations blew the trailer for Populaire, showing a well-dressed boss meeting a ditsy secretary with a talent for typing, and promptly entering her into a typing contest. Will-they-won’t-they romance plot? Check. Misfit leading lady waiting to shine? Quirky scenario? Glamorous 1950s period setting? Big, bright, beautiful dresses? Check, check, check, and check. Oh, and Bérénice Bejo from The Artist is in it too. While many film fans will be groaning into their snobbery and horror collections at the thought (hi Matt, thanks for reading), these ingredients compromise everything I would look for in a fun, easy film, and so I overlooked the groaning sensation let loose by my inner heathen at the mention of the S word, and got ready to read.

As the trailer suggests, the plot revolves around Rose Pomphyle (Déborah François), a modern woman trapped in a small French town, who dreams of leaving it all behind to make it big, starting with a job as a secretary. Enter dashing but gruff Louis Échard (Romain Duris), an insurance man who is fed up with always being second best, both in the eyes of his father and of Marie (Bejo), the woman he once loved who went on to marry his best friend. Échard begins training Rose for the typing championships, but the gruelling schedule and their emerging chemistry complicate their feelings about each other and themselves.

So far, so predictable, but there’s more to this romance than meets the eye, and the characters are not simply allowed to fall into each other’s arms in typical Hollywood style. Despite his generosity, Échard is no Prince Charming, often seeming cold and rude, while Rose is alternately sweet, tough and maddeningly selfish. Both undergo some thorough self-examination as they try to tangle out their places in the world, a theme that reflects the mood of the 1958 setting, which sees France caught between the memory of the war and the new generation’s desire for modernity.

And that 1958 setting looks good. The visuals are awash with the glamour that pervades fifties and sixties period films, with the vast difference between Rose’s sleepy town and the vibrant, modern city emphasised by scenes bedecked in candy colours, fancy cars and snappy dressers. Everyone has their hair styled to perfection, make up looking flawless, puffy dresses, sharp suits and big, shiny houses: in other words, everything you would expect from a retro rom com, but transplanted to France and revolving around a typing competition.

It this plot detail that really lifts this film out of the ordinary and means it would be entirely fair to classify Populaire as a sports movie. It employs a fairly standard formula: an underdog with raw talent and ambition to be great undertakes intense instruction from an expert coach in order to try and win a competition. There are training montages that are surprisingly entertaining, mid-competition disasters, and the tension of whether or not victory will be achieved. The quirky twist, of course, is that the sport involved is speed typing. Populaire does for this what Whip It did for roller derby, in that it brings a frequently derided activity and shows a competitive, gutsy, challenging side that requires discipline and skill. Ultimately, it is this sporting plotline, rather than the romance, which drives the narrative of the film, pushing Populaire from an average rom com to a mix of sports film, love story, drama and comedy.

Like those subtitle sceptics, Populaire is not pretentious in its ambitions, offering light-hearted but moving entertainment rather than hard-hitting drama. While the pervasive screen of retro glamour threatens to posit it firmly in the territory of frothy, mindless love story, the quirky premise, sporting plotline and well-developed main characters takes this from run of the mill and make for a charming, whimsical film.

Five little lifts of last week

Rex was not happy with the prices in the gift shop.

Sunny delight

Don’t look now, but a certain big, bright, shiny thing has returned to our skies from its winter holidays. Expect lots of half-naked pasty people spread around the parks and beaches of England, making the most of the sixteen degree heat wave. In the mean time, I will be sporting a pair of giant, pink sixties-style sunglasses which look ridiculous but make me feel like I’m in Mad Men. Roll on summer.

Mmm, donut pyjamas

While pyjamas for donuts would be adorable, if a little tricky to pull off, I am referring to blue pyjama trousers in a donut print you could just devour. While they’re perfect for ‘vegging out,’ carrot-print pyjamas are just not as relaxing as those covered in desserts, even if it does make you feel a bit peckish. There's something cosy about donuts, which explains why they're called comfort food.

Digging up the Jurassic Park DVD

Not only did these films teach us valuable life lessons, such as how to make dinosaurs, don’t go in the long grass, and T-rex can’t see you if you don’t move, but they were fantastic entertainment. Suddenly the terrible lizards in picture books were not just vague myths akin to unicorns and clowns, but living and breathing monsters capable of destroying cities. My interest in palaeontology may have ultimately proved short-lived, but the tenseness and magic of this classic trilogy remains preserved throughout the years.

Hot mess

As I’ve mentioned on this blog before, I have a deep and abiding love of making, baking and especially eating brownies. Even when they go wrong, they taste fantastic, and my latest batch went horribly, oozily, beautifully wrong. In Year 5, I wrote a story about a woman who caused an explosion when she put too much baking powder in her Christmas pudding. I can now confirm that baking powder doesn’t do this (for anyone left wondering), but putting three times the amount in does have some interesting effects. They weren’t brownies so much as a massive mess of gooey chocolate. With peanut M&Ms. And marshmallows. And white chocolate chunks. Best mistake ever.

Reading Rehab

Once upon a time, I could curl up with a book and be satisfied for hours. Jump to the end of my literature degree, and even looking at a book that doesn’t require long hours of making notes, reading critical work and crafting essays makes me feel guilty. This week, I entered book rehab, and while it’s been slow progress, when I reached the end of  Junot Diaz’s This is How You Lose Her, I was greeted with the familiar warm glow that comes with learning the twists and turns of a new story. Although I am now an abhorrent book snob, my degree has made me better able to appreciate the nuances of a well-written book. You could say that this is a new chapter in my reading experience. But that would be corny.

The World According to American TV

'Pizza is a vegetable, right guys?'

While there is no doubt that Britain has some stand out shows, at some point we have all succumbed to the tantalising glamour of American TV. Whether you're crazy for Mad Men, addicted to House or loyal to Friends, everyone has a favourite show that evokes the land of stars, stripes and Hershey's. However, despite the vast range of topics and genres covered by these shows, there are some weird and wonderful tropes that pop up time and again, leading us to wonder just what American TV is telling us about the world. 

Everyone looks perfect all the time

Whether you’re relaxing with a sit-com or delving into a tense drama, there are no spots, split ends or unruly teeth on show. Whether these characters are, like, hanging out at the mall, tackling a supernatural force of doom or investigating a crime scene, expect nothing less than glossy hair, perfect make-up, and flawless skin. Given the amount of time they must spend on their appearance, it’s perhaps not surprising that they seem to be able to apply make-up and rollers in their sleep, allowing them to roll of bed looking like a Max Factor advert. That or there's an army of kindly pixies flitting around these characters fixing them up in their sleep and performing touch ups during the day. Either way, there's something unnerving about a world where even bed hair and dark circles are expertly applied.

Living off junk food will have no adverse effects

There is only one food group on American TV: junk. We’ve all drooled while watching these characters tuck into mountains of M&Ms, piles of peanut butter and 'jelly' sandwiches, pizza, takeaway noodles, tubs of ice cream with a higher gravitational pull than the Sun, and countless glazed donuts, and that’s just breakfast. While this kind of diet would leave even the most genetically blessed among us an obese and malnourished mess, none of these characters will put on so much as a pound. Aside from this, and despite the potential drama a case or two of scurvy could provide to an ailing plotline, there’s no mention of gruesome vitmain deficiencies either. However, there might be a simple explanation for these oversights: no matter how loudly they insist that they are starving, or how much they order, none of these characters eat the food. It gets prodded, poked and pulled, all the better to taunt us as we nibble on our solid British fare, but never eaten. Sometimes they leave as soon as the food arrives. All in all, American TV should only be faced on a full stomach or with an oversized bag of popcorn and gallon of Ben & Jerry’s.

Anyone of any age can drive

The thought of teenagers wielding any sort of power is alarming enough, but the sight of them behind the wheel of a car is terrifying. And these aren’t just any cars: apparently the makers of lean, mean, environment-exterminating machines have a monopoly in the world of American TV. A quick look at all these rides also reveals why every desperate fundraising attempt ever portrayed on film involves a charity car wash. Aside from the extras who populate the background of scenes in leafy suburbs, no one ever seems to wash their car, yet there is not a speck of dirt on any of them. Then again, if there is, it’s a type that is only found in one square metre in Carson City, proving beyond all doubt that the murderer was the guy with limp.

No one wears clothes more than once

Another day, another on-trend, perfectly-fitted, never-before-seen outfit. When these people go to work, they have a new outfit. When they’re on a date, they have a new outfit. When they’re standing in their huge apartments moaning about how they have no money, they are doing so in an expensive, flattering, brand new outfit. Oh yes, they may live in some of the most expensive cities in the world, but even characters with no job or a job that wouldn’t buy you a salad let alone cover rent have somehow found palatial flats. Furthermore, no male character will admit to shopping, yet there they are, nonchalantly strolling around in this season’s jeans and next season's jacket. Then there's the matter of clothing care. While laundry is the perfect way to display a female character’s oh-so-quirky inability to fulfil her domestic role, or for characters to exchange numbers and seduction techniques over pairs of dirty pants, these clothes will never be seen again. That red sock just keeps getting in with the whites, resulting in daily trips to Calvin Klein and a fresh new fancy wardrobe every day. Cue envy, shock or giggling, depending on your decade of choice: yes nineties shows, we're still judging you.

Brits are evil

The moment that dry, clipped accent trips off a character’s tongue, you can be certain they’re trouble. Initially, hearts will flutter and melt in the face of this sophisticated Old World charm, but in the end, Brits on American TV tend to be adulterers, murderers and/or demons. While Giles, of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame, is a notable exception, he serves to demonstrate another British stereotype: if we can’t be charming and evil, we are knitwear-clad, spectacle-sporting bookworms, bumbling our way through these wild American ways while slurping tea and apologising to everything with a pulse. Or, we’re royalty. Here’s hoping that one day we'll get a weird and wonderful combination of all three.

Of course, these points are all ridiculous. No one wants to watch regular-looking people put on the same clothes, wash dirty ones, cook, clean, get bored at work and return to a cupboard-sized flat to eat fruit. That’s what real life is for. We want to see sexy people flick glossy hair, drive impossibly shiny cars, solve crimes, fight demons, suffer through high school, produce genius ad campaigns and eat lethal amounts of ice cream. This is not The Jungle, this is escapism, so leave reality eating carrots on the sofa in yesterday’s jeans, and get on board with this American dream.

The Queue-rious Nature of Queues

'I don't care if we're eighty years early, we are getting those
One Direction tickets!'

There has been a vicious rumour circulating about us Brits that needs correcting right now. No, I am not talking about the bad teeth, bumbling speech or general propensity to be evil attributed to us by American TV. Let’s get one thing straight: Britons do not like queuing.

No sane person likes queuing. Whether it’s in a shop, on the road or at a theme park, queues, like rain and taxes, are perceived by Brits as an inevitable part of life, but not as a joy. It is probably this acceptance that makes others think we enjoy waiting in line. While people from other countries might refuse to adhere to such a system, we are willing to go along with it, we’ll just grumble and moan in the process.

If we're not careful, queues can becomes unpleasant reflections of one’s life, as the unending state of limbo stretches into a metaphor for existence. Neither in one place or the next, stuck waiting to fulfill our true purpose, we watch the people around us also striving for the same goal, reaching it before us or following in our footsteps, everyone silently agreeing to conform to this system that takes a chunk of our life in exchange for achieving a particular end.

Once you have entered The Queue, your concept of time changes. Restricted by your status as part of The Queue, you are no longer free to choose what to do with your time. You forget what it was like to not be in this queue, and you suddenly find yourself unable to imagine that a time exists beyond it, that one day you will not be standing here, waiting for that person to count out every single penny in circulation, or for the engineer to fix the rollercoaster. For the first time, you are forced to obey Yoda and countless self-help gurus, and to live in the moment. Unfortunately, the moment you are trapped in is one of frustration, doubt and boredom.

The Queue also screws with your concept of space. You may well have walked through or past the place where you are now queuing countless times, unheeded by the system you have suddenly signed on to, able to stroll nonchalantly about in a wild and innocent fashion. You may even have skipped a little. Now, however, you are blocked in, unable to move too far to either side for fear of losing your place and forfeiting your contract, while a few measly steps forward are now perceived as a victory. You look back wistfully on those blissful times of meandering lazily along, unstructured and unbound, and wonder how you could have taken that freedom to stride so boldly for granted.

At this point, you begin to make bargains. You will never take your spare time for granted again. You will spend every minute doing useful, important, adrenalin-pumping activities and carpeing the diem.  You will learn a language, go skydiving, hug a tree – all the things that you thought you would have time to do but never did, because before The Queue there was always the future. You will never neglect the freedom to move around at will again. You will roam freely about the earth, noting every individual step as a sign that you have the agency to control your own path, and the chance to follow it. Once The Queue has freed you, you will grab life with both hands and never spend another minute in such a limp, helpless state.

And then the customer before you takes their bags, the car ahead moves off, the theme park worker ushers you on to the rollercoaster, and all those lessons, all those promises, vanish into thin air. You have made it. You have completed your contract with the queue, sacrificed minutes or hours of your life and promised to be there, in that place rather than anywhere else, and you have been duly rewarded. Life goes on, The Queue is forgotten, and you forget what it was to be so restricted, and return to your routine.

Three perks of The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Despite being set in a ‘90s American high school and featuring Paul Rudd as an English teacher, the similarities between Perks and all typical teenage comedies end there. Adapted by writer Stephen Chbosky from his own novel, this film follows troubled sixteen-year-old Charlie as he enters his freshman year of high school. Complete with shots of Emma Watson in a corset and lines such as 'Welcome to the island of misfit toys', the trailer really undersells this sincere and moving portrayal of friendship as a kind of hipster dramedy. There are far more sombre themes at play here than a bit of teenage angst, and they are mediated through a moving and funny script that brushes aside all preconceptions and goes right for the heartstrings.

Ezra Miller, Logan Lerman and Emma Watson

While each deserves their own place on this list, I’ve uncharitably decided to lump these three stars together into a Megazord of talent. Anyone who cringed through Watson’s wooden Harry Potter years will be left gobsmacked by her intelligent portrayal of flawed but kind-hearted Sam. In fairness, there is more depth to this character than there was to Hermione, not to mention better clothes and an edgy new haircut, but rather than flounder with a complex and entirely different character, Watson rises to this new challenge.

Another star who managed to escape typecasting is Ezra Miller, who earned rave reviews as the eponymous teen in dark drama We Need to Talk About Kevin. Miller steals every scene as outgoing Patrick in a sensitive performance that flits between mischievous humour and raw emotion. This subtle but powerful handling of intense subject matter is also seen in Lerman, who makes Charlie seem endearing and naive as he negotiates the tricky world of high school along with darker problems. In Lerman’s capable hands, Charlie’s wide-eyed revelation that ‘We are infinite’ comes across not as shallow, meaningless drivel, but as a poignant moment of clarity in the muddled life of this lonely teenager. What could have been a tacky and superficial tale of teenage angst rings true through thanks to the intelligent performances of the three leads.

It’s all about the music

Although the film is set in the '90s, Sam and Charlie’s love of old songs means the soundtrack draws frequently on the music of earlier decades, including The Smiths, David Bowie and Dexys Midnight Runners. One of the highlights of the film sees Charlie, Sam and Patrick discover Bowie’s ‘Heroes’ for the first time: the tentative yet defiant positivity of the song perfectly captures the heady mix of fear and courage that defines teenage years. Not only do the songs compliment the ups and downs in the narrative, but the importance of music also leads to many moments of fond nostalgia for those of us who remember the hazy days of cassettes and making mix tapes with hand-written labels. Of course, I was listening to Liberty X and audio books at the time (Sophie’s Snail does not make an appearance here), and you never see anyone having to wind the film back in, but this little reminder of nineties tech puts Perks firmly in one era, reminding us of the ethereal nature of our teenage years.

It makes The Breakfast Club look like Mean Girls

It may be set in high school, but much of the subject matter here is far from juvenile. While Charlie experiences typical teenage problems, such as romantic entanglements, drug experimentation and some highly witty name-calling, Perks also addresses depression, suicide, domestic violence, homophobia, and child abuse. Far from shoving these themes down the audience’s throat, the film posits them as aspects of characters’ lives, but not their defining feature. As a result, while each character faces personal demons, they are relatable beyond these as realistic people. These issues are not used for their shock-factor but to explain the flaws of the characters, and the film is more moving for it.

If you're looking for a film that evokes the silliness of teenage years through screwball comedy and vaguely detestable characters, look elsewhere. Perks may look like a shallow, angst-ridden and moody hipster flick, but strong performances and a clever script, along with some well-chosen music, make this a moving and poignant reminder of the perks and pitfalls of being a teenager.