The dos and don't of chatting up people in public

One of the first things you learn at school, apart from the obvious stuff like how to spell your name and what Biff and Chip did at the zoo, is that strangers are dangerous and you should never talk to them.

While apparently sensible advice, this becomes a bit tricky when you’re also meeting a whole bunch of new tiny human beings and trying to strike up conversations over the sandpit. It makes even less sense as you get older and start noticing people across Year 8 discos and pubs and student unions with whom you’d like to do more than just discuss Pokemon and Dexter’s Lab.

The fact is that, sometimes strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet. All your friends were strangers at one point, even the ones it feels like you’ve known forever. Call me Pollyanna but I don’t think we benefit from a world in which we view everyone we don’t know with suspicion.

However, there are ways to go about approaching strangers that are better than others. I get stopped in the street by men quite a lot. This is quite a difficult problem to talk about, because people assume I’m bragging. ‘Oh God, some stranger asked me out again when I was just trying to walk home. Also my bank account is too full, my house is too big, and I’ve been asked to go and address the UN but it’s the same day I’m accepting my Oscar. Why is life soooooooo hard?’

I’ve stopped wondering why this happens and what it says about me. Probably it’s because I’m a young woman who walks around London by myself, and I’m a fairly solid middle range on the attractiveness scale that runs from Quasimodo to Cindy Crawford. I do hope I don’t just have some sign or weird pheromone only men can sense that says, ‘Talk to me, I will definitely have sex with you’.

Being hit on by a random person in the street is not always a problem (at least not when you’re single!) Like I said, not all strangers who approach you are crazy, creepy or trying to sign you up to a cult. Done politely and respectfully, it’s quite flattering. Who doesn’t want to be told that of all the people in the crowd, someone noticed you and was fascinated enough to come up and say hi?

However, done badly and it leaves you feeling pissed off and violated. It feels less like that scene in Les Mis The Movie where Eddie Redmayne spots Amanda Siegfried across the street and is like, ‘MAN ALIVE, I would totally give up my French revolutionising for that babe,’ and more like being the gazelle the lioness has got her eye on in a David Attenborough documentary.

The difference between the two is that the second is not a conversation, it’s a power play. They have an objective (your number, a date, sex, whatever) and the entire point of stopping you is not to open up the possibility of getting it, but to achieve that mission by any means necessary.

These interactions always start the same way. I’m walking down the street in my own headspace, trying to remember the words to Moves Like Jagger or if I bought yogurt the other day, when suddenly example guy runs up and says a variation on the following: ‘Hi, excuse me, I just saw you walking and I had to tell you that I thought you were really beautiful/I really like your eyes/I love your shoes/you look like you want to party.’

Look, I know, I know, ‘Oh poor you.’ Do I think I’m beautiful, have nice eyes or amazing taste in shoes? Well, yes to the third (Converses ftw) but the others, fuck, I don’t have time to worry about it. I’m just reporting the facts here, and these are the lines I get.

So OK, I’m only human, and actually the first few times this happened I was like, ‘Well isn’t that nice?’ Except for the, ‘You look like you like to party.’ Er, I’m carrying a Sainsbury’s bag full of groceries, wearing a huge parka and trying to storm down The Strand. What kind of parties are you going to?

This insincerity is your first sign that they are ticking off The Checklist.

I’m starting to suspect that there is a forum somewhere in the depths of the internet that tells men how to hit on women in the street, and post four is The Checklist. I’m all about helping people overcome shyness to approach others, but this reeks of a predator desperately picking out someone – anyone – so they can go through the motions, get it over with, and maybe get laid.

It goes something like:

• Approach with compliment. It’s OK, you don’t have to mean it. Look at what she’s wearing and go for that.
• Now you have her attention, make sure you get her to stop. You can block her path or touch her. You can even outright demand it. Just make her stop. 
• Now she has to talk to you to be polite, so ask her a question. Try, ‘Where are you from?’ If she asks you to guess, say somewhere sexy, even if it’s blatantly obvious she’s not Italian or Spanish or French. Comment on her clothes. Ask her where they’re from, say you like bright colours/trainers/novelty sunglasses. Again, this doesn't have to be true. Just make sure she can't leave without feeling like a rude person crushing some poor guy's brave soul. 
• Make it clear that you have somewhere to be right now but you are interested in meeting later. 
• If she says she’s not interested, just keep asking her questions. This will prolong the conversation enough to make her desperate to get away from you. 
• Now, ask for her number. If she says no, ask again. She will give in eventually.
• Only back off if she says she has a boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance(e).
• Walk off with her number. Wait five minutes, repeat.

The major difference between the ones you want to date and the ones you want to slap is that refusal to accept no for an answer. I know when you’re not really into the conversation, you’re just ticking off this list because you’re not listening to me.

One of the most frustrating things is that still, in 2016, the quickest way to get a guy to back off is to tell him you have a significant other. To be fair, no one wants to be the person trying to break up a relationship, but often it feels like the reason for this is that you’re showing them a ‘PROPERTY OF’ stamp. It makes you feel like you need to have someone else vouch for you (and they’re probably assuming it’s another guy) for your refusal to count.

One guy told me, ‘I wish you’d mentioned you had a boyfriend earlier, I wouldn’t have talked to you for so long.’ Because apparently I’m only worth talking to if you think there’s some slim chance you’ll get laid. Another wasn’t even put off when I mentioned I had a boyfriend, until I added that ‘He’s in the US Army’. My relationship status – and my now-fiance’s job title and particular set of skills – have nothing to do with whether or not I give you my time.

So given my cynicism, am I saying you should never try talking to someone you fancy in the street? No! I’ve never used Tinder but I think a face-to-face meeting with someone is a much better way of vetting the weirdos and just-completely-incompatibles than looking at a picture on a screen.

So, here are my top tips for chatting up people in the street.

Don’t approach people who are busy
If I am storming through Leicester Square with a suitcase or I’m on my lunchbreak or trying to get on a bus (yes, that happened) I probably don’t want to talk to you right now.

Be honest
If you’re serious about taking this meeting further, don’t big up your job or lie about what you’re doing later. I might not be able to tell now, but this isn’t the best way to start any kind of relationship (casual or whatever).

Don’t touch me

Seriously, you’ve already broken social norms by trying to talk to me, so show that you’re doing this the polite, non-forced way and keep your hands to yourself.

Be open to rejection
I will try to be polite – I’m not out to hurt people and I know it takes effort to approach someone. But I don’t have to give you my time, so don’t be a jerk if I don’t want to talk.

Use your common sense
Everyone has awkward moments but come on, guys. One time I was reading Maya Angelou when a guy came up, said ‘Hi, excuse me, etc’ then asked me what I was holding. I said, a book. His awed response: ‘Wow, for real? I’ve only read Harry Potter.’ Another guy merrily informed me that he was, ‘So high right now.’ In the street at 7pm. Good luck with those life choices, excuse me while I’m heading in the opposite direction.

Talk to me like a human
I once got some insight into pick-up artists from a guy who tried it on in the National Portrait Gallery. I turned him down and called him out on his bullshit. Turns out he was actually doing some class about how to talk to women (nauseating, I know). His view was that we are manipulative monsters out to make men jump through hoops before we consent to sex in order to make them pay for things. Yep. I pointed out that we are actually just people. He didn’t get it. The fact is, I am just a human so talk to me like you actually want to know about me.

Don’t pressure yourself into getting everyone’s number
If we talk and you realise we’re not compatible, you don’t have to get my number: that would count as forcing it. That’s the point of talking! Don’t put that pressure on yourself to follow through with everyone you hit on. You are not somehow less manly because you don’t actually want to sleep with everyone.

Probably some people will still be thinking this whole thing is some weird brag, and I can’t stop that. It’s actually just something that has been part of my life since I moved to London a couple of years ago. I’ve told my fiance about it, even though I imagine sometimes he would probably just rather not know. He’s not happy, just as I would not be super amused to find out that he’s got women throwing themselves at him (Alexa, I’m looking at you) but I know he trusts me. And I’m curious to hear from other people – whatever gender – to find out your take from either side. Does this happen to you? Have you asked someone out in the street? How did it go?

So go ahead and ignore your parents and teachers and talk to strangers. Just do it nicely.

Love and sorry and old bananas: 25 things I've learned by 25

Let’s be clear: this list is not the sum total of my knowledge of the world. For starters, I have learned more than one thing a year, and there’s nothing from 16 years of academic education on here. But just for fun, here are some basic truths and not so simple lessons from 25 years as me.

1. Don’t apologise when you don’t need to

As a British woman I got served with a double dose of ‘Please let me apologise profusely for things that aren’t my fault.’ Apologetic words that enable this condition include the obvious ‘sorry,’ plus ‘just’ and ‘only’. Yes, you absolutely need to say sorry when you’ve screwed up, even if you’re terrified that the other person won’t forgive you. But don’t apologise for your existence or for doing your best. Treat these words like morphine: use sparingly so their impact is really felt when it’s needed.

2. Put Vaseline on your heels to stop your shoes rubbing

You’re welcome, poor little ankles. Also, if you’re too lazy to properly remove all your eye makeup before you go to sleep (bonus life lesson: always remove your eye makeup before you go to sleep) you can put just a little bit of Vaseline on your eyelashes and you’ll wake up without that ridiculous black gunk in your eyes.

3. Falling in love is like waking up with superpowers

Suddenly there’s a force within you that makes you want to do things that previously would seem impossible and mad (like scale tall buildings and shoot webs out your wrists and get married). It’s fun and scary and inspiring so make sure you use it to do something good.

4. Being in love requires effort

It’s answering their texts and being somewhere at the time you say you’ll be there, and calmly talking about how you feel when they’re pissing you off so you can work it out, and not holding a grudge. Which all sounds like a ridiculous amount of unpaid labour to the merrily single. The magic trick love performs is that you’re transformed into someone willing to do all that plus unload the dishwasher and overlook the fact they like Top Gear in exchange for the chance to have them around.

5. You can go against people you like

Peers, parents and friends will have expectations for your life, from what you wear to where you work to how often you go out and get hammered to your reproductive adventures. Understand that deciding to go against them might well cause fallout, but you don’t have to live out the narrative someone else has written for you.

6. There’s a right way to carry takeaway coffee cups

With the hole you drink out of facing away from you. It’s a law of nature that coffee is drawn to clothes, especially if you’re wearing something white, new and/or expensive. Which is why they never serve coffee in takeaway cups at weddings.

  

7. Courage doesn’t mean never being scared

To paraphrase Mufasa. It means being able to admit fear and go crashing on with it anyway. Go on that rollercoaster, get that tattoo, watch that movie that had the world’s toughest critic sleeping with the light on for three months. Take the job with the paycut because it’s your dream, ask out that person you’ve been gazing at longingly for two years, seven months, three days and about an hour and thirty minutes. Not everyone is a firefighter running into a burning building but we all have to be brave in tiny and massive ways.

8. Drink lemonade when you have a sore throat

Let it go flat and chug it straight from the bottle. No one will ever believe it works, but as long as you no longer sound like Darth Vader after he’s had a long night of karaoke and cigarettes, who cares?

9. Never brush curly hair

Ignore the books, movies and adverts that show someone brushing out spiralling ringlets. In reality, you will end up looking like Hermione circa The Philosopher’s Stone. It wasn’t magic that fixed her hair for the Yule Ball: it was realising that you should replace that toothy devil device with detangling fingers, good conditioner and a reliable finishing product.

10. Dare to say hi to new people

Yes, chatty strangers can be annoying when you’re tired and you just want to buy oranges without a lengthy discussion about someone’s cat. But sometimes it’s worth plunging into conversation with a total stranger. Sure, they could be dull or racist or creepy but you could also just have a fun one-time chat with an interesting person, or you could even make an awesome friend. Give people a chance and they might surprise you. Yes, that includes Chelsea fans.

11. You don’t have to understand art to enjoy it

You don’t have to know much or even anything about art, as long as you approach it with an open mind. The more you see, the more you’ll know what you like so you can hunt out relevant exhibitions and get stuck into the bits that really grab you. At the very least you’re getting the chance to see how someone else experiences the world, which is fascinating.

12. Always have a pen

At least one. If you think you already have one, pack another one. Just like London taxis, they have a tendency to disappear right when you need them.

13. Always have tampons

It may count as a luxury, but it’s one you don’t want to be caught without.

14. Be kind in love

You can’t love everyone who loves you, and not everyone you want will want you. But be gracious. Treat people’s hearts like fluffy little guinea pigs that need to be handled delicately, even when you know they can’t really belong to you. And not like footballs designed to be kicked off down the field and slammed into the mud without a second thought.

15. Sex is not like it is in the movies

The camera doesn’t cut slowly away to the window when you’ve removed enough clothes to upset the censors. Seductive music doesn’t start automatically playing in the background. And post-sex hair definitely doesn’t look so rakishly attractive in real life. Instead, it’s a lot of fumbling, sweating, grunting and unexpected noises. It’s less dignified, a lot messier and much more fun.

16. Women don’t have to wait for someone else to make a move

Disney and Jane Austen and movies set in high schools have got a lot of people thinking that in heterosexual relationships, the man is the one who initiates any romantic possibilities. He asks her out, he picks her up, he pays. Not having the patience for this nonsense doesn’t make you needy or bossy or unfeminine (which aren’t always bad things btw). You wouldn’t go to a restaurant and wait until someone brings you the food you want: the only way to make sure you get the dish that’s caught your eye is to go up, politely place your order and see if it’s available.

17. Frozen banana tastes like ice cream

Get an old banana. Mush it up. Freeze it. Take it out. Eat it with peanut butter and/or chocolate chips. Feel smug.

18. Embarrassing moments are just future funny stories

You can speed the process up by trying to see the comical side at the time. That said, it’s also perfectly acceptable to save the ones with no witnesses for yourself.

19. You don’t have to drink alcohol

Benefits include not knowing what a hangover is, always being able to remember where you put your phone and having more money for books, clothes and obscure kitchen gadgets. Unfortunately, you do have to realise that some people will have a problem with this, even though you couldn’t care less what they do with their bodies. This might mean that you miss out on some awesome friendships but that’s their fault, not yours. Those who matter don’t mind, those who mind should really reassess why it is they take issue with your life decisions.

20. If you microwave a marshmallow it grows huge

I learned this from Dawn in Buffy. It’s about the only scene from the show you can safely re-enact in your own kitchen.

21. Make sure you know how to be awesome on your own

You are the only person who is always with you so you should probably learn how to get along with that little voice in your head. That includes in your own home and in the world spreading out beyond that square of window. Enjoy the voice's creativity and sense of humour. Find out what it likes (rom coms, photography exhibitions and indie pop rock). Teach it to map read, tell it off when it’s being mean, read it books and teach it new things just for fun.

22. An oven thermometer will change your baking life

If your cakes usually end up as a flat mess that looks more like a pancake that’s been run over by a lorry than the photo in the book, you need one of these. Hang it inside your oven somewhere you can read the dial and you’ll know that whatever else you’ve screwed up, at least the temperature is spot on.

23. Carry an umbrella

London weather is created by a control panel in the sky that’s operated by a drunk guy randomly fiddling with dials, pressing buttons and spilling coffee (see life lesson 6, dude). To combat this madness, get a mini umbrella and put it in your bag, next to your keys, pens and tampons. Much better than a soggy copy of the Metro or a Tesco bag.

24. No one knows what they're doing all the time

A constant stream of holiday photos, statuses about amazing parties and excited job/relationship updates has convinced us all at some point that the world is at a big carnival we’re not invited to. However, it’s also true that the more ‘grown ups’ you meet, the more you realise that no one has every aspect of their life or personality totally sorted out. Some people are better at hiding the not-so-shiny bits than others (money really helps with this) but ultimately we’re all wondering if we’ve made the best life decisions and what’s coming up next and if we can handle it.

25. Always dance

Don't condemn yourself to the sidelines. Shake it while you've got it and regret nothing. Dignity is less important than feeling like Beyoncé on the dancefloor for a night.