15 Things people who are always cold want you to know

Just remember, cold hands = warm heart and excellent drink-holding capabilities.

1.    Gloves are required all year round. There’s a six week period between July to August when you don’t have a trusty pair on hand.

2.    It takes a pep talk to get yourself out of the shower. And probably silent screaming, weeping and swearing.

3.    Snowy movies leave you cold. The Day After Tomorrow, Frozen and this LOTR clip produce the same nervous tension as a blood-soaked horror fest.

4.    You worry for movie characters who go charging off on adventures without adequate clothing. Don’t forget your sweater, Indy. Say what you will about the guy, but Bane knew what he was doing when it came to weather-appropriate wear.

5.    Gilets are pointless and must be stopped. Why would you create something so cosy and then cut off the arms? It's like buying rollerskates and throwing away the wheels.

6.    You feel slightly suspicious of people who wear t-shirts through November. This is a safe space: no one will judge you for accepting that you're a human, not a polar bear, and putting on a jacket.

7.    Shaking hands is a tense moment. An icy, deathlike grip does not make the greatest first impression.

8.    …Especially if you also experience Raynaud’s phenomenon. Apparently about 12% of men and 20% of women have this delightful condition. A drop in the temperature causes the capillaries in your fingers and toes to go into spasm, shutting off the blood supply until they go numb and pinchy, and take on a charming corpse-like colour. Wiggling helps, but also makes you look like you’re hatching evil plans, or that you're trying out for the Toros.

9.   Reusable hand warmers, hot water bottles and microwaveable slippers are top of your wishlist. Anything to break up all the cold.

10.  You have a deep and abiding hatred of air con. Air con was brought to Britain by sadists who don’t want us to enjoy the few days of the year when we can feel the ends of our toes. It’s also started more office wars than stolen packed lunches and soggy teabags in the sink.

11.  Strangers think you're overreacting. Yes, I really do need this scarf and woolly hat in September. No, I don't need your pity. Unless I can turn it into heat and use it to thaw out my ears.

12.  Hot people are the best. Forget sense of humour, witty conversation and a decent taste in films: a high body temperature is the most attractive trait. Bonus points if they also have warm clothes they’re willing to share.

13.  Sweat feels like a victory. I’ve got to a point where I’m so warm my body has to adjust itself to cope? WIN.

14.  Outside activities do not hold the same appeal. BBQ? Beach trip? Picnic? Yes, I think I have enough woolly jumpers to get through that. Better pack the tinfoil just in case.

15.  However, all this means that the moment when sun finally reaches your poor, freezing body is a total revelation. Like eating a gooey chocolate brownie, but under your skin.

Secret Santa: festive fun or the nightmare before Christmas?

Secret Santa is a bit like eggnog; for some it joins mince pies and hearing Wizard everywhere as another mark that Christmas has begun, while for others it’s more like a threat than a promise of festive cheer. Unfortunately, unless you plan on becoming your intended recipient’s personal Grinch, it is no secret that once begun it cannot be denied regardless of your personal feelings and complete lack of preparation.

Why does Secret Santa promote groans of grim dismay? Frankly, Christmas is hectic. There are presents to buy, cards to write and travel plans to be made, in between which we are under even more pressure than usual to go out and have a good time. Christmas attractions and shopping centres soon take on the feeling of a stampede or a sheepdog trial, with everyone wedged together struggling to maintain the requisite good will to all mankind. With this in mind, it can be stressful enough trying to find presents for people you have known for twenty two years, let alone trying to pick between a rubber duck or a scented candle for someone you barely know. And, if you’re really unlucky, you might end up having to present a gift to the one person in your halls whose head you most like to shove up a turkey’s backside. Clearly not the tidings of comfort and joy that Christmas is intended to promote among us.

However, for all these potential problems, secret Santa is, in some ways, about the true spirit of Christmas. You might well spend hours searching for just the right earrings for your friend, only to receive a toilet brush and a voucher for a free hug from someone who panicked five minutes before they left. This ensures that your attention really is on the spirit of giving. Furthermore, since the low budget means that jet-powered hovering rollerblades are unfortunately out of the question, the focus really is the thought that goes into the gift. While you may end up with someone you can’t stand (in which case go for the lump of coal), you may also get the chance to show your friend how much you appreciate them. Watching their eyes light up a little over that pair of leopard print socks does make you feel a bit like Santa on Christmas Day.

Maybe Secret Santa is actually more like a cupboard: you get out what you put in. Of course, I’m not referring to the bouncy ball and foam finger that someone thought you might like, but the feeling of surprising someone else with a thoughtful gift.