America vs. Britain by a Brit who loves the States

I’m something of an America geek. A lot of Brits below the age of 35 have a vague daydream about being Californian or living in New York, thanks to imports like Taylor Swift, Friends and M&Ms. But while most limit their interest to wearing t-shirts that say ‘BRKLYN’ or talking like they’re in The O.C., I learned all the state capitals and have a first class degree in English and American literature. I even had an America themed party. OK, I’m also just a regular geek.

Just to be clear, getting engaged to an American was not a weird extension of this. (I would not, in fact, recommend falling in love with someone who lives thousands of miles away, unless you’re a millionaire or teleporter.) However, it does mean I’ve visited the States more times than I would otherwise have cause too. I've been to Minneapolis (Minnesota), El Paso (Texas), Alamogordo (New Mexico), Las Vegas (Nevada), Chicago (Illinois) and through a bit of Wisconsin in the last year.

Despite all those hours studying and essay writing and movie watching, it wasn’t until I started going to different parts of this enormous country that I learned the true disparities between our cultures, lives, manners and languages. Here's my report from the field.

Customer service staff in the USA are ridiculously nice
In London, you are treated with a resigned politeness and disciplined if thought appropriate, like a friend’s child. In America, you are treated like the friend of a friend everyone is making an extra effort with. They do actually sometimes say, ‘Hi I’m Becky and I’ll be your server today’, possibly while holding a coffee pot. Most are warm, friendly and so helpful it would be suspicious if it didn’t make you want to hug them and set up permanent residence at the booth. (Just kidding, Immigration.)

The food is limited only by imagination
Americans are very much into self-determination – the right of the individual – and this extends to food. While we’re worrying about getting our five-a-day, this belief that you should be able to have whatever you want without some nosy government or First Lady wagging a finger at you means that American food outlets focus on taste and sheer delight over silly things like health and cholesterol.

Sweet, sweet heart attack.

Foods we would consider to be a meal – mac and cheese, pancakes – are served as side dishes. The portion sizes are huge, although this is partly because they are much more used to the concept of taking home leftovers (another way of putting you in charge of your own meal).

This can all be incredibly overwhelming. But it also means you have things like Dorito salad, chocolate brownie sundaes and bacon French toast. You can’t fight it. Just bring clothes with elastic and avoid mirrors and scales.

British accents are exotic and confusing
The first time I tried to order coffee in an American Starbucks, the guy stared at me as though I was speaking Elvish and turned to my fiancé for translation (he also got it wrong). To be fair, that was El Paso, where you’re more likely to get shot by a man in a Stetson than to hear a British accent, but this confusion was not uncommon.

You don’t realise you have an accent until you’re around people who don’t sound like you. This makes you horribly aware of your own voice, like when you hear Emily speak in Friends and think, ‘Wow, we sound like a bunch of stuck-up twats.’ Luckily Americans are very polite, so people might look surprised but the only actual comments you get are lovely, admiring ones. Having someone who sounds like the most glamorous LA movie star telling you they love your accent is like getting a wink from Chris Pratt.

British humour is sick and dark and brilliant

It seems like most American sit coms centre on families doing silly things to each other which result in minor misunderstandings and, vitally, Essential Life Lessons. It’s as though they’ve been sent through a sanitising spray that cleans out the gritty unpleasantness lurking in all families, workplaces and friendship groups.

British comedies, meanwhile, hone in on those dark and twisted aspects and poke, prod and manipulate them for our gruesome pleasure. We like sex in all its weird, messy, awkward glory. We like losers and angry misfits and we don’t want them to learn anything. Try explaining Four Lions, Blackadder, The Inbetweeners or Black Mirror to an American if you don’t believe me.

Americans refer to Europe as though it’s one country

Regardless of your views on the EU, it’s fair to say that Brits see the Channel as a dividing line between us and the rest of Europe. They sunbathe topless, eat dinner at midnight on pavement cafes and think that cheese and ham is an acceptable breakfast, while we’re tucking into the full fry up, slathering After Sun on bright red t-shirt lines and driving on the left. We also recognise borders between countries: Germany is not France, France is not Spain, and Spain is not Poland. 

Quite upsettingly, Americans don’t acknowledge any of these distinctions, cheerfully ignoring centuries of wars, tensions and treaties to lump us all in together. When someone says, ‘I think you can in Europe’ they could be talking about France, Germany or Wales (don’t even try and explain that this is not part of England). They also don’t appreciate it when you politely point out that this is a bit like calling Canada ‘America’ or Utah ‘California’.

It’s like they took British nature and went ‘Yeah, well watch this’
Someone decided to double then triple then quadruple the space. In London, no matter where you are, you can see a building. Unless it’s foggy. Even when you (God forbid) leave the Capital, driving along the motorway you’ll probably see rolling hills or some contemplative sheep or the outline of houses in a distant village.

Driving through the Texan desert or a Wisconsin plain, you realise just how vast and flat the world can be, how much sky there is. As someone who freaks out if I’m a car journey from anywhere selling fat free yogurt, the thought of living somewhere so fantastically remote makes me want to rock on my heels and hum. However, it is incredibly humbling to be see land so raw, powerful and untouched (aside from a billboard promoting cheese curds).

You hear about race more
Maybe this is just me talking as a privileged white girl who can’t look at my own society with the same distance that I view others’, but Americans acknowledge race much more openly than Brits. While we might refer to different ‘cultures’ or nationalities, they are much more blunt with labelling people ‘black’ and ‘white’ and ‘Hispanic’ as a primary characteristic. Which can be really jarring.

Public toilets are weird
This is one of the most unexpected differences and the hardest to explain. There’s just something slightly off about American public toilets. After far more thought on this subject than necessary, I’ve worked out that it’s down to the following things:

They rely on suction, not flooding the basin with loads of water, which makes an oddly alarming noise, like someone being sucked through an airplane window.

There is a gap in the cubicle doors, presumably so you can keep an eye on what’s happening outside.

The toilets are really low. And shallow.

The flush system is automatic but hidden, so you’re not quite sure if you can trust it to work or not. This means spending ages looking for a lever or a button or a chain, like the worst game ever, only for the thing to suddenly flush (suck) violently at random, startling the hell out of you. This is even worse when you’re not actually done. Thanks for that coronary, stupid robot toilet.

Also, the hand towel dispensers are automatic, which somehow feels incredibly futuristic. My fuzzy jetlagged brain found this particularly fascinating.

They have different rules about walking
In America, walking is not seen primarily as a means of transport but as an official Leisure Activity. It must be planned in advance and can be boasted about in the same way you might tell people that you’re tired from playing tennis this morning.

Depending on where you are, people who enjoy walking are either seen as eccentric or as potential low level criminals. This is a bit different in urban areas like Chicago, which has a dense city centre that makes it easier to walk from one place to another. If you’re not downtown and fancy a walk, you will probably need some other method of transport, a map and water supplies to actually get somewhere big enough to stretch your legs. Luckily it's worth the ride to wander round an absolutely incredible state park.

People are nice
When strangers encounter you, they say hello. They might even say good morning. They will probably call you ma’am or sir in a non-sarcastic way. And it’s not because they’re trying to sell you something or get you to join a cult and/or gym. They are just nice. Once you get over the initial shock, it’s pretty refreshing.

Americans love sports more than us
America’s love of sport makes British fandom look like the skinny kid who always got picked last in PE standing next to the steroid-pumped giant who can bench lift a car.

Booo....

Here, we get behind the national rugby team when they’re playing (winning), or wear a ‘soccer’ strip or get a horrible tattoo of our club’s shield, and that’s it. In America, roughly speaking, if you’re in the North you can choose from basketball, ice hockey (just called hockey), baseball and football, plus the more obscure stuff like wrestling or track. If you’re in the South, you can choose from football, football or football, with the others served up as an afterthought when the conversation about football runs out (which is apparently never if you’re in Texas and sometime in April everywhere else).

You see a lot of people casually sporting merchandise from their local high school, college and national teams, many of which have names relating to big furry animals or birds. The sports facilities and arenas in suburban schools cover more land than all the buildings in my high school.

However, while in Britain this display of fandom would likely end in daily riots, in America there’s no sense that you’re going to get people brawling in the mall because the Broncos beat the Panthers this Sunday. It’s typically American enthusiasm tempered with typically American niceness.

Tea is served with ice or straight from the microwave
Get used to coffee. Becky's got it ready.