Most people don't make New Year's resolutions. This statement is not based on an official survey or scientific research or even a Google search. I know it because every time I ask someone what theirs is, I get a sigh and a shrug and a flippant, 'Oh I don't bother'.
Given this, writing out a list of stuff to improve feels a bit old fashioned. Plus it's not like I'm striving for World Peace or to end poverty or even to save whales. I feel like that's a bit beyond my skill set, but here are a few things I'd like to polish off that could just happen in 366 days.
Be glamorous
This has been an aim since I saw The Devil Wears Prada. Or Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Or whichever film it was that introduced me to the world of women with perfect hair, a different fabulously stylish outfit in every scene, and eternal non-smudged lipstick.
And handbags. Handbags of glory. Not a huge satchel that pulls your coat out of shape and saves your lower back, but a work of fashion art carefully carved into perfect curves and lines. The kind you have to wear long gloves with and dangle elegantly from the crook of your elbow. How strong are their elbows, anyway? My bag always weighs a ton, even when I think I can’t possibly take anything else out of it and still survive the entire day. There's a law of nature dictates that the one time you don’t bring nail clippers, a torch and an A5 notebook will be the time you need them.
I’ve accepted that I’m not cut out for the truly grown up handbag, so last year, my quick fix to this was resolving to paint my nails more. I achieved this by doing them once, on New Year’s Day, and never again. In 2016, the plan is to become someone who remembers to bring make-up and one of those compact mirrors with me and then actually uses them. I will also stop putting off washing my hair or shaving my legs for another day. Or do a better job of hiding that I have.
Stop eating granola
Sweet, crunchy, nutritionally void wonder food. If it was possible to survive on this stuff, I would eat nothing else. But since scurvy is a thing and sugar is now meant to be the devil we’re all exorcising from our diets, it’s time to find new food groups. Like muesli.
Learn more about what’s going on in Britain
Movies, podcasts, articles and my degree have all conspired to swing my focus to what Americans are up to. I know all the states and capitals and NFL teams and what was in the 14th Amendment but I have no idea how many English counties there are, or how first past the post works, or who won the FA Cup last year. (Was it Chelsea? Fuck, I bet it was Chelsea.)
I’ve looked these things up at relevant times, put them in the Post-It part of my brain, and crumpled them into the bin when whatever made them significant is over. I know, I’m a horrible, ignorant person. Which is why this is on my self-improvement list. That’s the point of New Year’s resolutions: to look at all the disappointing bits about yourself and enforce strict measures to replace them with respectable qualities you can bring up around educated people.
Do yoga
Or just stretch a bit. Then a bit more. Basically, I want to get to 26 and still be able to touch my toes with my legs straight without hearing things creaking, cracking and snapping.
Get through the books on my to-read list
2015 was a terrible reading year for me. I ended up getting stuck in the mire of a book called The Moviegoer because it had a sexy ‘50s Americana-style cover. (See above comment regarding being an America groupie.) Plus how can a book about the cinema be dull?
Merciful. God. It was like going on a date with someone who talks about nothing other than the chemical properties of moss and the bowel movements of their cat Boris, complete with slideshow, then gets distracted by something on the floor. So awful that it puts you off ever agreeing to go out with someone again.
But the months have passed, the year ends in a different digit and it’s time to move on. I have an enormous pile of books with unbent spines and clean pages calling my name, plus my parents, fiancé, bank account and table they’re stored on are silently begging me not to buy any more until I’ve read them. Bring on book nerd-dom.
Be on time
I absolutely can be on time. I’ve never missed a flight because I was late. Or a coach. But that’s about it. I have this incredible ability to underestimate how long it will take me to get somewhere. From now on, I will tell myself to leave 15 minutes before I need to. That way, I’ll only leave 10 minutes late and I might still make it.
Don't fear forms
I hate forms. Everyone hates forms. They’re cold and impersonal but also incredibly nosy. Why do you want to know my birthday? Do I get a card and a balloon? What’s it to you if I’m female or male? What if someone doesn’t identify as either? Why do you need to know about my potential devious criminal past? OK, so you are US Customs. Also I have a million previous addresses, which makes what should be a very easy section a bit of a minefield.
Sadly, I’ve learned that you have to fill them in to get paid for things and do other important life stuff, like go to the doctors and vote and give blood and get married. So I’m moving forms to the top of my to-do pile. No more cleaning the house or finally reading that book instead of doing paperwork. Even if it makes me late.
Write more blog posts
The only New Year’s resolution I have ever stuck rigidly to was writing a diary every night, which I still do. Even if you can only write one or two lines, I would absolutely recommend it. It’s like having a continuous chat between your past and future selves, which is pretty entertaining, especially if you’re falling asleep because that's when the Weird Shit comes out. So I’m applying this discipline to the writing I inflict on the people reading this. After all, this is actually fun for me. If you’ve got this far today, come back next week and see if I’ve managed to make it stick.
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