'Baby it's cold outside': aka 'What part of no don't you understand?'

An admission

I love this song. I sing it in the shower, I sing it when I’m cooking dinner, I sing it (very quietly) when I’m walking down London streets glittering with icy blue Christmas lights that make you feel like you’re in Richard Curtis’s latest film. It’s like champagne: light, joyfully giddy, with a gentle fizz that whispers of fun to come - the sort of thing that would appear in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel before the characters swirl off to some glamorous party, ready to chat each other up while waltzing beneath an outrageously expensive chandelier. However, just like champagne (and F. Scott Fitzgerald novels) there is a darker, toxic element to this ostensibly charming little ditty.

The reading of this teasing back-and-forth that we've all been merrily accepting is that it’s a mutual flirtation. The seductee wants to stay. We all know they're secretly dying to let the seducer slip off that fur stole and pull them into the depths of the plush leather sofa, as the camera sweeps slowly and discreetly over to the roaring fire. It’s not a genuine disinterest that’s got them pulling on the parka and braving the blizzard, but a concern over what the neighbours, Mummy, Daddy, sister Shelly and brother Charles will make of this scandalous overnight stay. Right?

OK, perhaps. But if, for a moment, we could all take off our ‘Getting through the day’ hats and replace them with our ‘Think like a social critic’ ones, it’s possible to see that what we're actually being treated to when this pops onto the radio is another example of the struggle our culture faces with the tricky concept of consent.

For the delicate of mind

If you really can’t bear the thought of having your favourite festive tune carved up like a turkey, and would prefer to pour another glass of bubbly and ignore that inconvenient subtext, stop reading now and have a refill. However, I personally believe that as pop culture is unavoidably impacted by larger societal norms, you can enjoy something on a superficial level while also acknowledging that, perhaps, it also contains more disturbing undercurrents that need to be addressed, lest we all keep making these same mistakes.

A story of wolf and mouse

The original score gives us the first clue that there might be some more sinister power dynamics at play here. The seducing voice, the one that’s obsessed with the climate, is identified as the ‘wolf’, with the other, demurring participant labelled as the ‘mouse’. I’m no biologist, but I know Little Red Riding Hood, and in my mind this sets up a predator/prey relationship right from the outset.

Dirty tactics

Now let’s check out some of those lyrics. The mouse is definitely sure that they absolutely, really, seriously, need to go. Like, now. They are wrapping up the night’s events with all those charming niceties: ‘This evening has been so very nice.’ Translation: 'You're cool and all but the last Tube is about to leave, and I have an episode of Orange is the New Black and the world's cosiest reindeer onesie waiting for me.' Nevertheless, our protagonist perseveres:

Tactic One: Sweet talking

Examples: ‘Beautiful, what’s your hurry?’ ‘Your eyes are like starlight now’. ‘Your hair looks swell’.

Intention

This wolf is no Andrew Marvell, but while they might not have the most convincing ammunition, they’re definitely willing to wield flattery as a weapon in this power struggle. Phase one is to coax the mouse into believing that they are the most desirable human being to wander the Earth since Helen of Troy, leaving hoards of maddened admirers drooling helplessly in their wake, and that they are therefore also the one with the control, the one who can say yes or no. The hope is that they will be so blinded by these charming comments that they will return the favour by giving in and throwing another log on the fire. That's all well and good if they were already toying with the idea of sticking around, but by identifying sex appeal as the valid measure of worth, the wolf ensures that the mouse feels the only stake they have in the game is as an object of sexual desire.  This objectification plays nicely into…

Tactic Two: The guilt trip

Evidence: ‘What’s the sense in hurting my pride?’ ‘How can you do this thing to me?’

Intention

That sheep costume is starting to slip, and we get a hint of this wolf’s true colours. The mouse has been giving off very obvious signals that they are not interested in seeing out the embers of that fire. In fact, just to remove any trace of doubt, at one point they say, 'The answer is no.' Not, 'Give it a few more drinks and we'll see,' not 'Alright then, but can we please finish the movie first.' NO.

As all socially competent people know, this is the cue to say, 'I must say that I am personally disappointed to have my expectations shattered, but I respect your decision. Let me find your coat, please do take a cookie for the road.' Unfortunately, we're dealing with a wolf, so despite the mouse's assertions, protests and outright refusals, they continue to insist that the mouse's unwitting allure has driven them into a state of wild desire. Now comes phase two: the guilt.

Suddenly, the power that was apparently handed over is no longer something that can be used to control the situation, but the burden of choice. From here, the wolf can trowel on the guilt like an overly ambitious baker with a bowl of buttercream. The mouse had a nice time, they like this wolf. Hearing that they’re hurting the wolf’s feelings makes them feel guilty. This wasn’t their intention, they just wanted to have an eggnog and a few mince pies with someone they find rather dishy. Suddenly, they’re being told that if they continue to ‘hold out’, as the song puts it, they’re being a cold-hearted tease. Suddenly, the assertion that you alone should be allowed to control your own body is not a human right but a selfish denial of another human’s needs.

Gender politics

I’ve been trying to avoid referencing gender, because I believe that this sort of pressure can be applied by anyone in any relationship. However, when the song is performed by a man and woman, the wolf is generally a man, and the mouse a woman, in accordance with the original score. (Although those without an aversion to ukeleles in Christmas songs can check out this version by She & Him for an interesting role reversal.) In this set up, the song also invokes that troubling virgin/whore issue women are left to negotiate. Her denial is a game, played out to show that she’s not so sexualised that she doesn't fret over what society will say, as represented by her vicious aunt and those pesky neighbours peering through their net curtains. If a woman is 'too willing' to test out the suspension on that sofa, she's the one making the demands, and is therefore the one with the power. However, she can't be so chaste that she’ll reject the seducer's advances outright. When your worth is measured solely by how willing you are to 'give it up', refusing to do so makes you a pointless participant.

Being outright creepy

Being told that there are ‘No cabs to be had out there’ is a bit like that scene in a horror film when the hatchet-wielding villain is two paces away and - oh no! - the car won't start. Yes, if you're looking for a reason to stay, totally forgetting about Hail-o is a magical excuse for stopping over for a bit of Christmas canoodling, but remember that the mouse has stated their total aversion to this plan. Reminding them that there's no handy method of escape becomes quite threatening, as they are left alone to negotiate this increasingly pressured situation.

We need to talk about booze
Now come on Tasha, I hear you say, there's every chance that those drinks they’re pouring are steaming mugs of hot chocolate or a nice cup of tea. However, since we’re all grown-ups, let’s assume it’s something a little stronger. That said, apparently our mouse isn’t clear either, asking ‘What’s in this drink?’ This is one of the trickiest lines to gloss prettily over. In our most optimistic moments, we can say that it's intended as a light-hearted way to show that the booze is helping our mouse to forget about All Of The Judgement so they can acknowledge their own desires and do The Thing they definitely, absolutely, totally want to do (no matter what they're saying to the contrary.)

However, whatever the intention, and whatever chemical assortment we're supposed to believe is in that drink, it now sounds uncomfortably like something is being used to cloud their judgement and leave them more susceptible to the wolf's plans. Maybe, when we’re doing our Serious Reading of this song, it would be wise to acknowledge that this should be one of those squirm-inducing lines that, much like guillotines, blue mascara and miasma theory, was ‘of its time’, rather than a nice little tongue-in-cheek reference to the inhibition-relieving effects of alcohol.

So what now?

Well done for making it all the way through this highly unfestive destruction of a classic song. The purpose was not to reduce a once frothy and charming winter tune to a pile of smoking glitter, but to demonstrate that our struggle to take the concept of consent seriously, and the sexual double standard, are so rampant that they pop up in songs that are supposed to be merry and bright harmless fun. While I hope you’re taking something from this, or just nodding vehemently in agreement, you may now replace your social critic hat with a paper crown, and get back to truly Christmassy pursuits a little more willing to look into the subtext.