If you’ve been anywhere in public for the last three months, chances are your feelings on the standard Christmas playlist have evolved from warm anticipation to mild irritation to tuning it out entirely. Put the festive fun back into the season of goodwill and mince pies with these lesser-known tracks.
For the ones glued to their phones
‘Text Me Merry Christmas’ by Straight No Chaser feat. Kristen Bell
If work schedules, family conflicts or an inability to adequately define the boundaries of your relationship in time to admit you’d like to spend Christmas together has forced you and your beloved/person you like more than most others apart, this cheesy tune will have you half smiling again.
In the tradition of lovelorn duets, Kristen Bell is trading texts and selfies with a long distance lover from Straight No Chaser. Also known as Frozen’s Princess Anna (that’s the one not letting it go), Bell’s Disney-sweet vocals contrast with the crushingly realistic scenario of spending Christmas without your other half. It’s spot-on in its melodramatic tone of longing, and may be the only festive song to contain the word emoji.
Best line: ‘I’ll be right here waiting/For my pants to start vibrating’
(American pants, people)
‘A Great Big Sled’ by The Killers feat. Toni Halliday
Best line: ‘I’ll be right here waiting/For my pants to start vibrating’
(American pants, people)
For the too-cool indie fans
‘A Great Big Sled’ by The Killers feat. Toni Halliday
Fair warning: I love The Killers. My favourite Vegas exports have released a Christmas single every year since 2006’s ‘A Great Big Sled’, with proceeds going to AIDS charity (RED).
They often go bittersweet rather than all out ‘YAY FOR CHRISTMAS!!!’ The ten tracks are like a chocolate selection tin. Some are better than others - the toffee finger or Malteaser of the playlist - but even the less exciting ones are by The Killers, and therefore more interesting than listening to 'White Christmas' again.
The band’s trademark indie sound is more evident in ballad ‘Joseph Better You Than Me’, novelty number ‘Don’t Shoot Me Santa’, wistful Hollywood homage ‘Christmas in LA,’ and in joyful Latin-influenced number ‘¡Happy Birthday Guadeluope!’, but ‘Sled’ contains the bells, whistles and festive references required in a cheesy festive tune. Brandon Flowers’ knowing vocals lend a mature, edgy glamour in this upbeat number, which also features vocals from Toni Halliday.
Best line: ‘The snowman is shaping up to be an eight but not out of ten'
They often go bittersweet rather than all out ‘YAY FOR CHRISTMAS!!!’ The ten tracks are like a chocolate selection tin. Some are better than others - the toffee finger or Malteaser of the playlist - but even the less exciting ones are by The Killers, and therefore more interesting than listening to 'White Christmas' again.
The band’s trademark indie sound is more evident in ballad ‘Joseph Better You Than Me’, novelty number ‘Don’t Shoot Me Santa’, wistful Hollywood homage ‘Christmas in LA,’ and in joyful Latin-influenced number ‘¡Happy Birthday Guadeluope!’, but ‘Sled’ contains the bells, whistles and festive references required in a cheesy festive tune. Brandon Flowers’ knowing vocals lend a mature, edgy glamour in this upbeat number, which also features vocals from Toni Halliday.
Best line: ‘The snowman is shaping up to be an eight but not out of ten'
For the feuding couple
‘A Christmas Duel’ by Cyndi Lauper and The Hives
For every loved-up couple trading mulled wine-flavoured saliva under the mistletoe, there’s a quietly seething duo trying to make it through another tinsel-laden season without googling ‘cheap divorce’.
If your ideal Christmas song is less ‘Little Drummer Boy’ and more ‘Fairytale of New York’, try this modern update on the ‘I really hate you right now but I can’t imagine life without you’ dynamic that comes with being told to be joyous and good-willed for the busiest month of the year.
Admittedly, the pair in this song have taken things quite far. It starts with him sleeping with her sister and spirals from there. There’s a drunk wedding, a hitman and a minor incident of arson. But don’t worry, its has a happy ending. Sort of.
Best line: ‘I bought no gifts this year/And I slept with your sister’
For Netflix and chill
‘FaLaLaLove Ya’ by Nikki Lane
Like taking off your high heels and tight party dress and sinking into the sofa to watch Love Actually in your favourite reindeer print pyjamas. If this song was a part of nature, it would be impossibly serene waves lapping on a white shore decorated with a tastefully twinkling light display. It’s all about ‘Yay the person I love is here’ but in a gentle, musing way. This isn't making out on a sticky dancefloor to a weird remix of 'All I Want for Christmas'. It’s shoving the furniture to one side for a slow dance in your living room.
Best line: ‘I got a secret and it's time that you should know/I wanna wrap you up in a big red bow’
For the wannabe glam rocker
‘Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End) by The Darkness
Lowestoft’s finest delivered this glittery glam rock festive tornado in December 2003. Sure, it sounds like it was probably written by a group of 19 year olds who’ve just discovered Dad’s posh brandy during band rehearsal, but it ticks off a good number of the must-haves. There’s a yearning love story at its heart, references to snow (and, er, hell…), a children’s choir, non-stop bells and Justin Hawkins in sparkly gold Lycra. Apparently this was all a bit much for listless Brits listening over a decade ago. It was beaten to Number One by Gary Jules’ Mad World.
Best line: ‘Christmas time, don't let the bells end'
Lowestoft’s finest delivered this glittery glam rock festive tornado in December 2003. Sure, it sounds like it was probably written by a group of 19 year olds who’ve just discovered Dad’s posh brandy during band rehearsal, but it ticks off a good number of the must-haves. There’s a yearning love story at its heart, references to snow (and, er, hell…), a children’s choir, non-stop bells and Justin Hawkins in sparkly gold Lycra. Apparently this was all a bit much for listless Brits listening over a decade ago. It was beaten to Number One by Gary Jules’ Mad World.
Best line: ‘Christmas time, don't let the bells end'
